What is the question I don't want to ask?

Damn it all. I guess I have to do this too. Mostly because I think it has to come out.

I think the question you don't want to ask most changes as you move through life. Like Highschool, what if no one asks me to prom? (stupid I know but most things in HS are stupid) What if I don't get into the college of my choice? (I personally never wondered this one, cocky I know) In college, what if I never graduate? (again kinda stupid, never asked myself this one either) when I got my first job, what if "they" all realize I have no idea what I'm doing? (asked this one alot) getting married; what if this isn't the right decision? (If you don't ask this one before marriage you don't know what you're getting into) Now, at this point in my life, the question I most don't want to ask, (but is always in the back of my mind, never going away entirely) What if it never works? What if I never get pregnant? What if I never feel that flutter in my belly of little feet kicking? What if I never get to hear that delicate heartbeat? What if I never get the chance to rest my hands on a firm round belly? What if I don't get the chance to feel the sharp pains of labor, that while painful are the first of many pains universal to mothers everywhere? What if I never get to hold my baby, on my chest moments after arriving in this world? What if it never happens? What if I never get pregnant? This question plagues me most of all right now.



I know that there is adoption and I know that I can love any child, but I know before giving my heart away like that, I will have to mourn the loss of the child I never had. Because that child is and has been as real to me as anything.

It's been tough as of late, I don't want to get into details, it just has. I guess I felt I needed to get the above out of my head, at least for now.

Calgon Take Me Away

Ok, well I think the title says it all. I've been done in again by my procrastination. *sigh* HELP!

I have too much going on, I want to get off the Merry Go Round. Too much is slipping through the cracks. I wish I could just slip through a crack.

*sigh*

feeling icky

ugh, at home today. I have no idea why but for some reason something got a hold of me and I felt utterly horribly nauseous for the entire evening last night. Then we went to bed early where I tossed and turned because I STILL felt nauseous. I DREAMT about being nauseous. I got up several times and hurried to the bathroom to no avail. I sat on the cool tile wondering how do bulimics do this all the time? I can't even bring myself to throw up when I know I need to. Finally at 3 am, my body said, "I've made you quite miserable, and you need to get up in 3 hours so I will finally get rid of the badness." Ugh, I could never be bulimic.


I still don't feel well, I slept fitfully the rest of the 3 hours (still feeling queesy), and said to myself: "You know I can't stand the smell, or sight of food, I'm thinking the smell of bacteria growing in mass quantities would pretty much send me over the edge." Not to mention I would be a danger to the public and myself trying to drive 40 minutes on major freeways with my light headedness. I decided to stay home, I'm feeling a bit better and still working from home. Saltines and diet coke (just a half a can) are my best friends.

Um hmmm other than that, how has my life been?

Well since my last angry post, (BTW I'm still kinda angry) Um no the news was not good. No baby. So I went away for the weekend and spent some good times with Westtexgirl and some other friends. It was nice, I needed some time away and I needed a glass of wine.

I came home from 3 days away from dh with a renewed love and need for him and his personality. I know some days he drives me nuts (I'm sure I do the same to him) but overwhelmingly I love him very much and missed him tons. :) It was good for both of us especially with what we're going through with this whole infertility thing.

I never thought I would ever be in this spot. *sigh* But here we are. We talked to the Dr. and well it looks like IVF. We've talked and decided there doesn't seem to be any other option, so here we go. Of course the Dr. is very optimistic "Oh not to worry, not to worry, you're young and healthy. We'll get you pregnant." yeah, thats what you said 4 treatments ago, sorry if I'm a bit skeptical. Oh yeah and you're not the one having to push your body through all this crap. I feel like a damn cancer patient when I take my medication in the morning/night. I'm only 31, I shouldn't be taking that many drugs at this point.

*sigh* I just, I don't know. It's so, not normal/natural/how I pictured it. I know I'm whining but damn it, I'm gonna whine. If you don't want to hear it, don't read the blog.

I'm tired now, I'm gonna go lay down.


*Sorry AuntB for the graphic nature of this post (the earlier part) and I guess today is day one of the record keeping. Oh and thanks for the offer to chat. Don't know that I'm ready for that, but thank you for your offer. *hugs*