Neural pathways!

My baby is looking at one of her toys! Jacques the Peacock to be exact! He is the cutest little interactive bird I have ever seen. While the front of him is an explosion of color, mirrors, ribbon, pattern etc (in fact I'm wondering if it's a bit sensory overload) the back of him is a red but and his fanned tail are patterns of black and white. Perfect for my 2 week old baby. She stared at these black and white patterns and I could see she was really looking at them, not just randomly looking in that direction. and yes it was hanging close enough so she could see them. It was awesome. Neural pathways building... I could just see them. Being laid out like little brain super highways.

Yes! :)

Fox.

observations I must put down on paper so I don't forget them. Caution may cause too cute, sugar sweet, mommy love, induced coma.

I love it when my baby blinks her little eye lids all slow like. Her little eyelashes have finally totally unfurled and no, she doesn't have Maybelline commercial conjuring eyelashes, but they are brown, cute, and delicate. And every time she blinks while she's drinking her milk she blinks all slow, content and deliberate. It's simply beautiful.

She also has a very cute cupid bow shaped mouth. Once last week I smiled down at her and the right corner of her mouth curled up in the slightest little smile! I know this was not a deliberate smile, it was probably gas, or a random muscle twitch, but I don't care.

*whisper* She smiled at me before anyone else.

I take her little hand in mine. I ask myself, how in the world could we have been so very small at one point? Her little hands, and her little fingers, and her little fingernails are so tee-ninesy!

I really don't care one bit what other people say. I know in that operating room I felt God. I know every time I pick her up and she looks up at me and curls her little hand around my finger, and yes even when she was crying last night at 11:30 and I started to cry a little bit, I felt God. She is a miracle. Everyone talks about "the miracle of life" It's so very true.

People have asked me how I can be a biologist and support the theory of evolution but yet still believe in God, have a christian faith and even participate in "organized religion". I've had my struggles in these areas. I've documented some of my frustrations and pains with God right here. But I also considered the beautiful biological world I loved and studied as evidence that God exists, not the opposite.

The natural world is too complex. Too many things have to be just so, just right for it all to function correctly. Sometimes it doesn't, and to me that is evidence of biology (since some people at the other end of the spectrum place no trust in science. I take issue with both ends of the spectrum.) In my estimation I take the stance of God as a the watchmaker, making the world and the mechanisms that run it (the theory of evolution is so beautifully simple, how could it NOT be divine?!) Setting it in motion and allowing it to run. I won't go so far as to say he doesn't tinker in his watch on a regular basis, but the basic design functions as he created it run along, this I believe is what we call "the sciences". I think about the human body in all it's complexity and how it needs to have all parts functioning just right. Then I think about Isabella, and that she is whole, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and that she grew inside me. How that happened, I don't know. Oh well biologically I know, but spiritually, cosmically, whatever-lly, I don't know. That is my miracle. How could my lowly, little body have grown and nurtured and produced such a beautiful, amazing, little individual? God only knows.

And thats ok with me.

Thank you God.

Fox.

One of my new favorite shows.

One of my new favorite shows comes on tonight! Yay! And NO it's NOT Glenn Beck, smarty pants Yoda! I do however enjoy his show very much though, yes I am conservative, not crazy, but conservative, and NO they are NOT THE SAME! Stop snickering Yoda! I see you back there! B have you checked out his show? it's on a 4 pm on FOX News Channel. Catch if you can, it's funny, insightful, and it's NOT MSNBC (soon to be renamed, "The Barack Channel, all Barack all the time. I can feel the chills running up my leg too!")

Anyway! No one of my new favorite shows after watching ONE EPISODE. Friday Night Lights. I know call me crazy, but the writing is fantastic, the characters nicely complex, the situations so close to reality it's painful and the filming is excellent. I found myself talking to the TV, advising the characters. "Mmm...mmm... mmm, naw honey, you can NOT fix him. Just run, run away fast!" and "You go new principal! It is not popular to use the booster money for academics but you go on with your bad self!"

Ok so my TV discussion sounds corny and stupid, but the show most certainly is not, I'm a total convert. It's on at 8pm tonight, I think on NBC, it's on our DVR list so I have no idea where or when it's on except that it's on tonight. check your local listings as they say. Give it a try, I think you'll like it!

Fox.

Poor Dh, and pass the tums.

I had to get this stupid but funny little story down. I made chili on Tuesday, it's actually super easy, one pound of browned meat, dump in a couple of cans of various items and a seasoning packet and voila, chili. It's one of my go to easy meals, dh likes it, I'm ok with it. We put together frito pies and well then it's pretty darn good.

Anyway, there are always left overs for a couple of days worth of dh's lunches. Well I'd been meaning to clean out the fridge since before the baby arrived. Unfortunately baby arrived and there has been no time for that. I knew that would happen and I was annoyed with myself that I hadn't made myself do it before she came I knew it was a task that would get left behind. OH well, no biggie. Well except that we are running out of containers and room in the fridge. hmmm.

Anyway (I say that alot don't I?) dh took chili for lunch on Wed., then Thursday he took chili again. thats cool we had two containers of leftover chili. He comes home last night and says, "the chili tasted a little funny, this afternoon." he was washing out the container and he said, "see, smell it" I did, and it did smell "funny". I looked at him, I went to the fridge and looked, the 2nd container (a white one, not blue) was still in the fridge. I said, "how many times have you had chili for lunch this week?" he says twice. I'm sure I got this funny look on my face. He says "so that little white spot I ate today was not a little bit of sour cream that got into the chili?" I said, "Um, I dn't think so. We had 2 container of chili from this week, one was blue and one was this white one." I lifted the container out of the fridge. He looks at me, rubs his stomach (starts to grimace a bit) and said "I ate two BLUE containers this week. How long has it been since you made chili before this week?" I looked at the calendar on the wall knowing it had to have been at least 2 weeks-ish. I honestly had no idea how long it had been. I knew it had been at LEAST 2 weeks. I told him as much and he started to look a little green and he asked what would happen to him. I brushed it off and "Nothing is going to happen to you." of course I'm thinking in my head, "He ate lunch at 2 pm, it is now 6:30 pm. Surely if he ate rancid meat he would be barfing by now. right?" I said, at most I'd give it 24 hours, I'm sure your fine, it was definitely cooked well and has a bunch of spices and was obviously refrigerated. Other than not tasting as good as possible I'm sure your fine." I'm thinking, ok if it's food intoxication the evidence would be showing up before now or at least by now, if it's food infection it could take 24-48 hours to show up. Either way unless it's Clostridium botulinum or maybe like Salmonella or something it's probably not a big deal. He then said, "I think I might feel kinda sick." I looked at him and said "Nope, stop it, you felt fine just a minute ago! THAT is in your head!"
We then proceeded to have our dinner and watch various shows, I think he forgot by the time we got to bed that night. So far so good, he has not vomited, or felt any lockjaw setting in. *eye roll* so I guess this means I'm cleaning out the fridge today, and well, perhaps some lab label tape and a sharpie could go a long way in our fridge. i should follow the rules I set for my micro students about labeling your media. Thats really all that food is right?

*sigh*

Oh, and I am sooo glad it wasn't me. LOL, of course it would never BE me cause,well if something didn't smell quite right I wouldn't be eating it. Duh. *eye roll* I smell the milk EVERY TIME I open it. EVERY TIME.

*shiver* bleh.

Fox.

Random Observations over the last week and a half.

1. I did not immediately think my baby was cute when they pulled her out of my womb. She had the hugest lips and had this horrible grimace on her face! I really thought to myself "OMG my baby is not cute!" Of course I immediately felt like a bad mother (I've become familiar with this feeling already, and I'm sure it will be a constant companion along side pride, wonder, unbelieveable love, and heartache for the rest of my life. Am I right other mothers?), They cleaned her up, wrapped her up and brought her too me and laid her on my chest and I thought "OMG she is the most beautiful being on this earth!"

2. I cannot love my husband more than when he is loving our child. I know it's partly hormones and biology but I also know it's partly God too.

3. I am so glad I have made it a policy to not really go see people at the hospital or in the first week they are home with the baby (except family). If they want me to I will go see them, but for the most part I figure they are tired and overwhelmed, I can visit and help them when they request or later. I now know, I am right. Oh and flowers while beautiful, kinda useless. Oh and always have these items delivered to the house NOT the hospital, it's just more stuff to try to take home.

4. My baby is the most beautiful baby EVAH! and you can't tell me otherwise. No like seriously, she is THE cutest ever created. Like she could be a Gerber Baby model. Today, right now. Where do I sign the contract? Cause while adorably cute, she is also extremely expensive which brings me to #5.

5. How do people with little money have babies? They cost a ton. Now more than likely they did not have pay thousands of dollars to actually conceive but even if you got a "free" baby, um, the accesories and I just mean basics like daipers, wipes, and formula (although if BFing I can obviously see a large price difference.)alone will cause you to take out a second mortgage. Never mind any gadgets to make life easier. Eh, who knows.

6. One of the first realizations I came to in the hospital once everyone had gone and it was quiet. I was holding my baby and I realized that we all started out that small. Everyone, from the lowliest of the low to the mightiest of the mighty. We were all once a tiny helpless child, and we were all someones baby. It added a new facet to my view of humanity. No matter how wonderful or awful we turn out to be, we all started with a blank slate. Tiny, helpless, and new. This thought to me is humbling.

7. I have a new insight into my own mother. I've come to realize over time that my parents are just people, like anyone else. I think most of us come to realize this, but obviously now more so. We have our disagreements and we have our happy times too (luckily more of the latter than the former now), but I now see more, and feel more just how human my mother is. I am now a mother and my own weaknesses and strengths, insecurities, humor, loves, relationships and personality traits are just as present as they were January 16th. I feel like who I am is no different than I was just 2 weeks ago, but yet who I am is different, I have added to who I was. Although how all these parts go together is still in flux. I suppose I'll figure that out eventually (or maybe not?).

8. Time slips by exceedingly fast. How does that happen? Frick, it's already 11:10, pretty much coming on lunchtime. *jeesh*

Ok speaking of which I should probably get a few things done. Isabella is happily (so it appears to me) swinging in her swing. I wonder what she's thinking.

Oh one more thing:

9. Being a biologist is a double edged sword in this case. It's a situation of knowing too much. I have to keep perspective on my worries. Is it really ok to store breast milk or made up formula in ziploc bags or #7 plastic nalgene bottles? What about BPA and leaching plastics? I'd hate to screw up her endocrine system at 12 days old! Am I stimulating my baby enough when she is awake? Her little brain will lay down more neural pathways the more she is exposed to stimuli, AM I NOT STIMULATING ENOUGH?! Is my child not making as many neural pathways as possible because I'm not holding her enough? should I be changing her outfit every morning? she has been in this same outfit for 2.5 days straight, am I a bad mother? I really want to set a night time routine of feeding changing into a new outfit with some "sleepy time lotion massage" Holy crap I didn't get to it tonight, will she feel less loved?! This sling bends her head funny, am I hurting her?, She seems happy but what if SHE'S NOT?! Is dh bonding with the baby enough? Is she missing out on enough "daddy time?" Is sticking my kid in the swing/bouncer ignoring her?

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Ok, it's in those moments I call my BFF for non-hormonal perspective, then she slaps me upside the head. Thanks, I needed that. ;)

Fox

Wow, what an hour nap, a couple of cats and a magazine can do for ya!

hey all, I know I have been somewhat AWOL but you all know why. However I am back! I will get Isabella's birth story up soon, I'm still working on it, it's getting long and I think I need to re work it some. However I realize I keep missing out on the little "here and now" thoughts because my blogger screen was taken up with the long story, so I've copied it to Word and will be working on it there to finally post here.

So anyway, for todays post.

I finally was able to force myself to take a nap this morning. I've been getting more and more exhausted and yesterday was pretty bad. by the afternoon I was pumping and hating it. I even started to cry last night simply due to exhaustion and kind of loneliness. I am a people person, I NEED human interaction, and lots of it. It's not a want, it is a need for me and while my baby is human she is a tiny demanding human who while being the absolute cutest baby on the planet is not much of a conversationalist (yet).

So anyway, dragged out of bed this morning when dh left, fed the baby, put her down and MADE myself gingerly lay down with my pillows and a lovely down throw blanket and drift off to a delicious nap. OH DEAR GOD. How I NEEDED that.

Not only that but my 2 sadly neglected kitties came to sit with me. They reminded me that they are still my little companions as they have been for 10+ years. They love me and give me reassuring warm fuzzy bodies to pet and calm my nerves. They reminded me of who I was before a week and a half ago when I added mother to my list of titles.

I finally awoke an hour later to the baby just starting to stir and realized I needed to pump (ow! rock hard boobies!) before Isabella really started to demand a bottle! So I took my sister's advice (why I hadn't before I don't know) and grabbed a magazine to read while I pumped. Wow, 15 minutes, really is NOT that long and torturous. With the nap I came to see my pumping of breast milk as the loving sacrifice I know it is, as opposed to the vaguely degrading, milk cow like burden I had seen it as yesterday afternoon.

So now the 8:00-9:00 nap will be set in place forever. Or at least while my little precious bundle will let me. Speaking of which, she is wanting her bottle! So for now, see ya later!

Fox.

Ok, I know I'm just being impatient now but, ugh.

I really don't know how to feel. I know it's alot of hormones talking here, but part of me just wants to be done with pregnancy and have my baby already. Then I realize I should really relish this little time I have left to myself, fairly carefree(ish). The Dr. is giving me another week, which actually I think is the best decision before deciding to induce. I hear an induced pregnancy is longer and harder as opposed to just letting nature take it's course. She didn't say my baby seemed big or anything. I figure if the Dr. isn't worried then I guess I'm not either.

*sigh*

I just don't know. Although I will say my family hounding me about "isn't that baby here YET?!" is really starting to grate on my nerves. Especially my mom. She's acting like I'm some alien because I haven't had my baby yet. She actually asked if the Dr. was going to send me for an ultrasound or something, or if something was wrong. Um no, I am not abnormal! She is just used to people having their babies early. Yeesh, I swear I'm starting to feel like a fish in a fishbowl. Now if you're one of my friends and asking don't worry you're not causing me the anxiety, it is strictly my family.

I feel kinda weird though, like I want her to get here, but I also still have fear of the change. I know it's normal, but it's an uncomfortable feeling. I guess I should just be thankful for the normal uneventful pregnancy thus far (especially after all the work we had to do to get here) and let God just handle it as he will. Let go and just trust God. Lord I am yours, deliver me.

Literally.

Baby update

Nope, she's still not here.

I did some walking around the house tonight, I knew it would get her moving and sure enough it did. She's doing her nightly tap dance in there. I'm hoping she will tap dance her way right out of my uterus.

Although I have to say I'm going to miss feeling her move when she is out. I know, I know I will finally get to see and hold her, but still, I will miss feeling her and just kinda knowing. *shrug* Ok pregnancy hormones are cranked up to "high" now. *eye roll*

*smile*

I feel like such a budgeting loosah (loser)!

I was just on the veggie board and someone asked "what is your grocery budget for a family of 4?" Well I read through some of the comments, and as I went further and further, I realized that many people are spending LESS for their family of 4 than dh and I do for the TWO of us! *sigh* Now I realize many of these people are the crazy coupon/stockpilers, and well I just don't have time for that. I used to try and coupon and it was ok, but when I strictly kept myself to only using coupons for things we normally bought, I rarely had that many coupons to use. I don't do Rice-a-roni, or Go-gurt, or whatever. Oh and if we buy deli meat we like Boars Head, I know it's expensive, but, really thats what we like. Although I have made myself buy the prepackaged stuff cause I just can't bring myself to pay the Boars Head price, but I will admit, I miss it. *sigh*

Anyway, I usually spend around $120 a week for groceries, not including paper goods/toiletries. I get that stuff at Target. Before grocery prices went up we probably spent around $80-$100 a week. Now mind you I had gotten away from my weekly menu making. The menu helped alot in keeping the budget, I just started that again this week, so hopefully I can get back into the swing of that, especially since I'll be at home for the next 6 months.

I felt like such a budget loser. :( I know it's not an earth shattering topic, but I started to wonder if I could really "tighten the belt" if it came to that. I know I could, but I have to admit it would be kinda hard. Dh would definitely have to learn how to embrace more vegetarian meals, no more of this meat at every meal bit. *eye roll* Yoda, I'm sure you could help with that! ;)

Starting my "list"

I haven't really had "A list" in a long time. You know the list of hotties you would so "do" if you had the chance. Now mind you this is not the list you have with your significant other of "if you had the chance I would allow you to have sex with these people". THAT list is a no. Cause I know who would be on dh's "list" and well, honestly I'm a jealous beyotch and uh, no, *crosses arms and lifts and eyebrow* that is NOT happenin'. Well and it's just never gonna happen anyway so whatever. That and dh does not agree to "that" list either so meh, whatever. This is just the "I find him totally hot list". I honestly haven't had a list like this in a while, I guess I just don't get terribly star struck. Famous people (since these lists tend to have famous people) are just that, people, and are just as terribly flawed as the rest of us. They just happen to have high profile jobs, but thats it. In fact it bugs me when they try to use their fame for things like political influence *gag* that especially irks me, whether conservative *sarcastic chuckle* like that ever happens, or liberal *cough, all of Hollywood cough* I think it's obnoxious. Why on God's green earth should I consider Susan Sarandon's opinion any more than I would any other person on the street? Cause she memorizes words and can repeat them with much emotion in front of a camera? *hysterical laughing* yeah um, NO.

ANYWAY (I've gotten waaaaaayyyy off topic here, what a shock!) I have two people to put on my Hottie McHotstuff list. Drumroll please!

Gordon Ramsey (oh yes the chef!)
Daniel Craig (A la James Bond actor)

Now Ramsey is just hot, I mean he is an effing CHEF! HE can do all the cooking! but thats not all, he is an avid soccer player (he was a pro at one point) so he's still in awesome shape, he has great hair, he has like 3 smallish kids and is awesome with them and he loves his wife very much which we all know is a super sexy trait! He has an english accent and well that ups the hottie score and his mean ass gimmick on Hell's Kitchen is just that, it's an act. If you watch any of his other shows he's much more a motivator, teacher, encourager than just a drill sargent. Although the fact that he can get all hard ass on ya is also kinda hot. *sigh* yes, I *heart* Gordon Ramsey.

Daniel Craig, now I don't know much about him except he's english (again the accent is delish!) he plays James Bond and he is HOT. Like really the kind that melts you into a little puddle. Thats all I know and honestly, thats all I need to know.

Ok, thats two on my "list" I don't really have anyone else, but I will update as necessary. ;)

Do YOU have a list? If you do go to the comments, list 'em and WHY!
I'm out!

Fox

Update, and I'm still kind of afraid

So lets see, I haven't had any contractions to speak of really in two days. Certainly not like I had and not at night. At least they don't wake me up. I do however feel really big and tight. I can totally feel this kid way down low and putting some pressure on my pelvis. I feel like telling her (and I do in my head) if you are so anxious to get out than just do it already! However, it still freaks me out to go through labor and then come home with a newborn. Yikes!

Which brings me to the second half of my title. I'm still kind of afraid. I know this is normal, in fact I would worry about myself if I wasn't afraid even a little. I totally ascribe to what Yoda has said many times, "If you're not afraid or nervous of getting married, or having a baby you have no idea what you're doing".

I am still afraid of labor, I know people do it all the time and go through it multiple times, but I'm still afraid. I mean holy crap, this kid is at least 7 lbs and 20 inches by now. Thats big, (I know it's actually normal) too big for me to imagine going through the good ol' hoo-haa! This is gonna hurt, and it's gonna be bad. Sweet Lordy Lord, I don't know how this is gonna work but I know it will and I'll be just fine, but ugh, I just don't know. Of course I keep visualizing in my head what it might be like and then when they give me my baby, I am going to just totally and completely lose it. *heart* I'm almost afraid of just what my feelings will be like, like just how strong and crazy my emotions will be. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. Jeesh!

I am also still afraid of what life will be like with a child now. It's that whole "my life will never be the same" thing. I know it's wonderful and totally worth it and blah, blah, blah, but it will be different. Whats weird is I still don't feel like I have a handle on the feeding/care part. Like I feel the strong desire (and I think I'll do this today) to make and print out a schedule of how often to feed, how often to change, etc. I know it seems kinda stupid but it's like I need to have a plan to make sure I don't forget. I've had weird dreams in the past about forgetting to feed my pets, or that I even HAVE pets, then I realize I did have a pet and oh my God I've been neglecting them totally etc.! I know these are normal anxiety dreams but normal or not they induce alot of guilt. It's like I need to make a checklist for the day of how to take care of the baby.
6 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz

8 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, peeps only no poop

10 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz
changed baby's clothes - changed from white onesie to green onesie with brown pants. swaddled with pink and brown striped blanket. Her color was rosy, was awake for 10 minutes and 32 seconds, yawned for exactly 2.67 seconds then the subject turned her head 1/4 turn to the subjects right side. Subject succumbed to sleep state at exactly 10:32 and 15 seconds.

etc, etc, etc.

I have just realized this poor kid is going to turn into a great big science experiment procedure. Oh wait thats how she started! *Bah dum, bum ching* LOL! *eye roll* Ok I need to go type up my Study Proposal complete with Hypothesis/Null hypothesis, Materials, Procedure, and Budget. I wonder if I should have saved all my receipts to turn in to the grants and budget committee. Wait, I did, thats dh! Buahahaha! I WISH there was a grants and budget commitee. Ok the science jokes are going really down hill now. Till later,

Fox.

A little lesson I learned today

Lets see what happened today? Cause you see I can't come up with something poetic or amazing to blog about all the time. I guess thats why I didn't blog for so long. I kept thinking I needed to have something profound or exceedingly entertaining to say, and well I just can't promise that dear readers. Thats just way too much pressure.

Anyway, um, my mom and my sister came by my house today to give me a bit of company. Evidently after talking to my mom yesterday afternoon my mom asked my sis if she wanted to drive down to visit me here in the big city (40 minute drive) since I sounded bored and lonely. Wow, I didn't realize it was soo obvious! LOL, I have been bored and lonely and whats worse I had started to let myself go! Not that I'm a high maintenance person otherwise, but I had started to stay in my PJ's all day, not take a shower (for like one day people, I'm not too bad!) sleep till like 11:00, lay on the couch like a loser. I know it sounds luxurious, but honestly, you just get really lazy after a while and days start to slip by. It's not a good thing. Today since I had people coming I got up, took a shower (yay me!) got dressed, PUT ON MAKEUP! did my hair. when we got home from lunch I felt the energy to start cleaning out the pantry, I felt better than I had in quite a while.

So note to self after the baby is born #1 stay in contact with people, #2 try to at least shower and #3 dress in some kind of real clothes. I think these 3 simple rules will hopefully keep me sort of sane. I know to cut myself some slack, but I also know myself. I'll get kinda lazy depressed if I don't force myself into some kind of routine, or do something kinda useful. And yes I know taking care of a newborn is very useful but you know what I mean.

That was my lesson for today. Basically, to keep up with proper normal human hygiene, it'll keep ya off the prozac. As Martha would say it's a good thing.

My audience calls, as does the pain

OK Sorry B, it was seemingly just a tease. Honestly it's been kinda looney around here but I've decided I want to journal more, I used to keep a paper journal. Those little spiral ones. I'd go to a coffee shop and write my thoughts down, feeling very collegiate and thoughtful doing so. Well here I am, I will try to do the same here, though no coffee shop, my battery doesn't last that long. Oh well.

Bad, bad contractions this morning started at 12:40. I had 4 reeeeaaally bad ones like 2 minutes apart. They hurt so much I couldn't roll over from my side. Crap, it took my breath away. Ugh, I finally got moved around and they have been tapering off for the past hour. I decided to get up cause I was horribly uncomfortable in bed and I didn't want to wake dh anymore. I had woken him up with the bad ones and he helped me move over and then I told him to go back to sleep, it's not like he can help me any. Although he did hold my hand.

Sigh so here I am. I wanted to get up and walk around a bit and it has helped. Good God, if those were just contractions, what in the hell am I going to do with actual active labor?! Sweet Mother Mary, I am going to freaking die! Epidural, epidural, epidural. Drugs are good, drugs are good, drugs are good. Women do this everyday right? In fact thousands are in labor right now, this very second and the vast, vast majority will be just fine... and in fact do it all over again, voluntarily. OK I can do this, with an anesthesiologist, I can do this. God bless modern medicine, thank you dear sweet Jesus above, and I AM NOT being sarcastic.