Yeah I said it

Yeah I said it.

I'm mad at God.

A lightning bolt may strike me down, but you know what, I'm still pissed.


Fox.

Why God?

Why can't _I_ have a baby!? Why not me!?

ANSWER ME!!

GODDAMMIT ANSWER ME!!

I've never done anything wrong, I did everything right. I've tried to do what you would want me to do. I've tried to be patient, I have prayed, I have tried to accept your will. Well, what is your will? I have tried to figure it out, I have tried to understand it, I know, I know, we don't know the whole picture. Well guess what, that gets a little old after a while. How long do you expect me to try to put the puzzle together when I don't have the damn cover of the box and I KNOW that pieces are missing.


*sigh*

and I don't want to hear any of the "well God knows whats best bullshit." I know that, it doesn't mean I'm not mad at him.

I don't have the results back yet, but I don't think it worked. I'll know this afternoon, so this rant is a bit premature. With my luck, I will yell at God right now, and this afternoon I'll get the phone call telling me I'm pregnant. Then I have eat crow and apologize profusely, light about a billion candles.

*sigh*

Painted the walls a bit

Hey everyone (ok I know few people read this, but for the few of you)

How do you like the new digs? I decided to paint the walls and rearrange the furniture a bit. I dig it. Blogger updated so I decided to update as well. I like it, its kinda cheery and ready for spring. :) Thats about it for now. My pinkie finger hurts for some reason so typing is difficult. I must stop for now until my debilitating pain subsides... ;)

Fox.

Routine = Happy

You know, I always thought of myself as freewheeling, spontaneous and laid back. Thats the optimist in me. I'm really by the seat of my pants, procrastinator, macgyver-esqe out of my own necessity, though I still think I'm pretty laid back. The funny thing about all of this is I know there is a deep part of me that needs, no craves, order, routine, calendars and schedules. Thats why come every fall and/or January I buy tons of calendars. Theres just something nice about having it all laid out in front of you. It makes you feel like this thing called life is actually manageable. The fall calendar buying is the buying of the school year calendar. My life runs on semesters and a new year begins in fall. For the rest of the world, the new year begins in January. Thats actually the beginning of the second semester of my 3 (possibly 4 depending on how many summer semesters your teaching) semester years. Anyway, calendars make me feel in control.

I am NOT feeling in control right now.

In fact I'm feeling very out of control. *sigh* part of it is my routine is not settled. I don't like that, we are in the second week of Feb. my schedule should be settling in and routine becoming habit. However it's not. I feel like I have lots on my plate and its all kinda mish moshed together and I'm trying to tease it apart only to have to stop get up and leave and when I come back, all knotted up again. *sigh*.

I know alot of it is coming from the last week or so, especially the last two days. We're trying one more round of IUI to get pregnant. More pills, more injections, more time missed from work, more Dr's visits, more waiting at Dr's office. More money, More trying to conceive in a sterile, unhappy, impersonal environment. *sigh* More waiting, more hopeing, more praying, more crying, more blood drawn, then maybe more treatment. More aggressive treatment.

*sigh*

The last two days have gotten me out of my routine which wasn't well set anyway, I have an odd teaching schedule this semester, don't like it. Still trying to adjust to it. So I'm pulling out my calendar, and my to do lists. Time to get more organized, more scheduled, more sorted out. Oddly enough, I wish conceiving were not so scheduled, so planned, so sorted out. I wish IT were more spontaneous.

I'm trying to get back to a routine. I've come to realize routine = happy, much like the life truth, Calm = Happy. That doesn't mean I don't want to spontaneously go for an evening out, or try a new recipe/food or something. but right now, I just need some consistancy, some routine, some schedule, some security. A blanket might be nice. *sigh*

Fox

Deoxyribo....ase?

I will remember this day as a not so good day of teaching. It was bad and I made up for it in my afternoon class, but ugh that morning class, I apologize. First off I was tired anyway, not enough sleep (speaking of which I should be going to bed now as I write this) the last few nights and then on top of that it was a dark, drizzly morning. Perfect for staying in bed and sleeping through class (that is if your not actually GIVING the class). Anyway so I get to class, start in on my lecture and crap, its even making ME sleepy. Then I forget the damn name for DNA. I literally WENT BLANK. I kept saying the first part, Deoxyribo...... Deoxyribo...ase? *brain: "no thats not right".* Deoxyribonuclease? *brain: no, still not right."* Then I told my students, "see this is why you need to get proper sleep before the exam, writing deoxyribo something on the exam is not correct" Finally after I tried a couple times, my brain unjammed and it came to me. Deoxyribonucleic acid. I was so ashamed. How could I forget something so fundamental to biological science? *sigh*

I made up for it in my second class, hell I think I was even vaguely inspirational at some points. Sorry, morning class, I was so discombobulated this morning, but you know sometimes, I want to skip class too. But alas I cannot. *sigh*

Fox