Routine = Happy

You know, I always thought of myself as freewheeling, spontaneous and laid back. Thats the optimist in me. I'm really by the seat of my pants, procrastinator, macgyver-esqe out of my own necessity, though I still think I'm pretty laid back. The funny thing about all of this is I know there is a deep part of me that needs, no craves, order, routine, calendars and schedules. Thats why come every fall and/or January I buy tons of calendars. Theres just something nice about having it all laid out in front of you. It makes you feel like this thing called life is actually manageable. The fall calendar buying is the buying of the school year calendar. My life runs on semesters and a new year begins in fall. For the rest of the world, the new year begins in January. Thats actually the beginning of the second semester of my 3 (possibly 4 depending on how many summer semesters your teaching) semester years. Anyway, calendars make me feel in control.

I am NOT feeling in control right now.

In fact I'm feeling very out of control. *sigh* part of it is my routine is not settled. I don't like that, we are in the second week of Feb. my schedule should be settling in and routine becoming habit. However it's not. I feel like I have lots on my plate and its all kinda mish moshed together and I'm trying to tease it apart only to have to stop get up and leave and when I come back, all knotted up again. *sigh*.

I know alot of it is coming from the last week or so, especially the last two days. We're trying one more round of IUI to get pregnant. More pills, more injections, more time missed from work, more Dr's visits, more waiting at Dr's office. More money, More trying to conceive in a sterile, unhappy, impersonal environment. *sigh* More waiting, more hopeing, more praying, more crying, more blood drawn, then maybe more treatment. More aggressive treatment.

*sigh*

The last two days have gotten me out of my routine which wasn't well set anyway, I have an odd teaching schedule this semester, don't like it. Still trying to adjust to it. So I'm pulling out my calendar, and my to do lists. Time to get more organized, more scheduled, more sorted out. Oddly enough, I wish conceiving were not so scheduled, so planned, so sorted out. I wish IT were more spontaneous.

I'm trying to get back to a routine. I've come to realize routine = happy, much like the life truth, Calm = Happy. That doesn't mean I don't want to spontaneously go for an evening out, or try a new recipe/food or something. but right now, I just need some consistancy, some routine, some schedule, some security. A blanket might be nice. *sigh*

Fox