An epiphany in the closet

I was just standing in my closet, one more time in the eternal quandry;
"what should I wear? What will fit?, I have nothing to wear. *sigh*

This same scenario happens everyday that I have to leave the house, usually it involves trying on several things that all look hideous and don't fit and I feel like shit. Every time.

This time I'm staring at a bunch of clothes I haven't touched in who knows how long, and I just start talking to myself (I do this alot).

"I'm tired of having nothing to wear. I'm tired of nothing fitting, I'm tired of worrying about nothing fitting. I'm tired of the anxiety of shopping, I"m tired of being afraid that I will simply get bigger. I'm tired of STRUGGLING. I'm tired of fighting weight loss. I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of beating myself up, I'm tired of feeling guilty cause I don't take care of myself, I'm tired of being afraid of where my overwight self will end up health wise. I'm tired of dealing with this.

You'd think that I had decided to just throw in the towel and just accept being 215 lbs. but thats not what I was thinking or what I meant. I could feel it in my core and I knew I had to write it down. I was tired of FIGHTING MYSELF. I admitted defeat and just accepted that I will have to work out every day, I accepted that I will have change my eating habits forever. Not for a little bit, forever. This is not weight watchers, this is not lose weight so I can have a baby, or lose weight till I hit a particular BMI, or number on the scale, or lose weight so I can look hot, or lose weight so my family will get off my back, or lose weight to make someone else proud. This has nothing to do with a number. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm tired of fighting as a fat person, I don't want to be overweight anymore. I am so done with this. Look, it is what it is, my metabolism is what it is. I can't eat refined carbs, I can't eat the large amounts of sugar I've been eating, I can't be sedentary like I have been. It's done, it's over, I just can't carry this weight or guilt anymore. I am tired. It now seems just easier to pick the right things to eat than to deal with the aftermath of not. It seems easier to just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes than deal with the shit of not doing it.

It's like you wake up at night to feel like someone has grabbed you in a bear hug and is strangling you. You thrash and fight and gasp and claw in the dark but with each turn you feel the grip getting tighter and eventually you fall out of bed onto the floor. You sit up and realize you were just fighting with yourself in a tangled up blanket. The only person squeezing yourself tighter was you and your fighting yourself.

I am so done with this.

*sigh*

fixing things

I definitely think we try to repair damage from our relationships with our parents through our children. Perhaps we promise to parent different than our parents did. Or tell them I love you more cause they didn't tell us enough, be more overtly affectionate if we didn't feel hugged enough. Perhaps it's be more or less permissive than our parents were. Whatever the issue, we try to mend our rips and tears, and holes and scrapes by not ripping and tearing the same seams and holes that we felt our parents did.

I guess that I knew would happen. but I guess I didn't realize that the same thing would happen when you picked someone to marry. I find it incredible just how we can find the actual person who can push our buttons like our parents did. You find yourself possibly saying the things you wixh you could have said years ago. Or responding in your mind with "yeah whatever dad!"

I said I would never marry a man like my father (I love him very much, but I wouldn't necessarily want to marry him). In some ways I didn't, but in some very particular ways I did. Hmmm. How? I thought I had looked out for that.

I guess you can't outsmart human nature. We all fall prey to it one way or another.
Hmmm.

-insert title here-

I need a makeover. Bad.

Hair.
Clothes.
Makeup.

All of it.

Yup.

Ugh.

Fox.

What's happened to me?

I used to be a happy person.
I used to be optimistic.
I think I worried, but not like now.
I used to say it will all work out.
I think my friends would have described me as easy going.
I knew I had issues, but I don't think they overwhelmed me as much.

So what happened?

*sigh*

Discontent with your life.

I'm feeling moody and discontent with my life. *Harumph!*

I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed earlier tonight. My frustrated mommy tank had hit full. I love my little one but everyone knows sometimes you just get overwhelmed, overstimulated (or under as the case may be), tired and just plain cranky. Thats where I was. Trying to put the baby to sleep, not extraordinarily difficult, but squirmy. Then I felt bad for feeling frustrated since you know she's just a 3 month old baby. *eyeroll* I'm tired of *feeling* everything. *sigh*
I just feel like I need some serenity, I need a vacation, a little time to myself. Which is why even though I am tired, I'm sitting here typing out babble.

When I've put the baby down to sleep and dh is snoring, and I come down here, everything is still and quiet, I don't have to check on anybody, or feed anybody, or wash anything, or entertain anybody, or hold anybody or anything. It's just me. Just me. *deep breath*

I love my little girl more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, but I need some Fox time.

I guess I can address the title lest anyone wig out, though not sure that anyone is reading, not that it matters this blog is more for me than anyone.

I've just been feeling pretty mixed up lately. Of course I just had a baby and what not so I guess it's expected, but I still don't like it. Like I'll just get so annoyed at dh for some stupid little thing, and then when I snap at him I instantly feel bad cause I realize I'm being unfair. But I also feel resentment toward dh, for a bevy of reasons, but having the baby has somewhat magnified those reasons. *shrug* I don't know.

I worry about what it will be like to get back to work after sooooo long of being away. I worry people won't think I'm all that indispensible anymore. I know I'm missed and important, but it's just that little insecure voice in my head. Then I feel guilty about not being with my little girl. I vasilate between feeling sad that I won't get to sit with her all day if I want, and feeling relief to get some of myself back. Then I get anxious because I'll have to try and juggle work and taking care of her as well. Looking at it right now, I guess I will get much much much more efficient at work. LOL. No more slacking with the grading. I will basically just get as much work done as possible. Basically use my time wisely (wow, quite the concept, eh?). So that when I pick her up from daycare, I can leave work behind.

Becoming a mother has been the most profound thing to ever happen to me. I know that seems like a duh statement but it bears uttering. I just heard the song "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack (via Pandora, thanks Yoda!) and while some may see it as predictable and somewhat sappy/trite. I now listen to it with a mothers ears. I could always empathize before, but now I feel it. I feel it in the pit of my stomach I feel the immensity of the responsibility I have taken on. It scares the complete crap out of me. I am totally floored that the world has allowed me to take on this job. I feel terribly irresponsible for letting some the asshats out there try to do this. Not sure if that made sense but I think you know what I mean.
Anyway, I think the weight of a little life completely dependent on you can get heavy. Though, her smile does make it worth it. :)

Oh speaking of which, WTH! She actually finally laughed (like more than once) for dh! WTH!? I am with her 24-7, I talk to her, tickle her, play with her and nothing more than a possible giggle and for dh, she actually laughs. *sigh* *eyeroll* Whatever. Although I have to say dh has gotten alot more engaged and alot more tuned in with her. I'm very happy for that and well I think the laughing was God's way of encouraging/rewarding his behavior. Yay, I need some too. *pouty face* *sigh*

I bought the drawer pulls I've been wanting for 3 years now. They were on sale, so I decided to finally get them! Dare I put them on without even telling dh I bought them!? Of course I felt guilty for buying them which is totally stupid. I feel guilty alot lately. I don't know why. Why? Why do I feel so guilty about so many things? Ugh. Oh and I realized I needed one more so I think I'll buy it tomorrow and yes put them on without him knowing and see what his reaction is. I'm kinda afraid, but I can't wait to see how they will look!

Ok it's getting late. I should go to sleep. 6 am will be coming quick. Although I'm loving this Pandora! :) Ok, I'm yawning, gotta get to bed. Going to visit my sisters tomorrow. I will miss C alot when she moves. *sigh* You never know how much you wanted to do with someone until they are leaving. I hate that I didn't get to see the kids as much as I wanted. :( and now they are leaving. That totally sucks. Ok no sad, I'll see them tomorrow. Oh! and we get new clothes from Nitza! Yahoo! It's like going shopping for my little girl but not spending any money! ;) Ok I'm out.

G'night.
Fox