An epiphany in the closet

I was just standing in my closet, one more time in the eternal quandry;
"what should I wear? What will fit?, I have nothing to wear. *sigh*

This same scenario happens everyday that I have to leave the house, usually it involves trying on several things that all look hideous and don't fit and I feel like shit. Every time.

This time I'm staring at a bunch of clothes I haven't touched in who knows how long, and I just start talking to myself (I do this alot).

"I'm tired of having nothing to wear. I'm tired of nothing fitting, I'm tired of worrying about nothing fitting. I'm tired of the anxiety of shopping, I"m tired of being afraid that I will simply get bigger. I'm tired of STRUGGLING. I'm tired of fighting weight loss. I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of beating myself up, I'm tired of feeling guilty cause I don't take care of myself, I'm tired of being afraid of where my overwight self will end up health wise. I'm tired of dealing with this.

You'd think that I had decided to just throw in the towel and just accept being 215 lbs. but thats not what I was thinking or what I meant. I could feel it in my core and I knew I had to write it down. I was tired of FIGHTING MYSELF. I admitted defeat and just accepted that I will have to work out every day, I accepted that I will have change my eating habits forever. Not for a little bit, forever. This is not weight watchers, this is not lose weight so I can have a baby, or lose weight till I hit a particular BMI, or number on the scale, or lose weight so I can look hot, or lose weight so my family will get off my back, or lose weight to make someone else proud. This has nothing to do with a number. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm tired of fighting as a fat person, I don't want to be overweight anymore. I am so done with this. Look, it is what it is, my metabolism is what it is. I can't eat refined carbs, I can't eat the large amounts of sugar I've been eating, I can't be sedentary like I have been. It's done, it's over, I just can't carry this weight or guilt anymore. I am tired. It now seems just easier to pick the right things to eat than to deal with the aftermath of not. It seems easier to just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes than deal with the shit of not doing it.

It's like you wake up at night to feel like someone has grabbed you in a bear hug and is strangling you. You thrash and fight and gasp and claw in the dark but with each turn you feel the grip getting tighter and eventually you fall out of bed onto the floor. You sit up and realize you were just fighting with yourself in a tangled up blanket. The only person squeezing yourself tighter was you and your fighting yourself.

I am so done with this.

*sigh*