Discontent with your life.

I'm feeling moody and discontent with my life. *Harumph!*

I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed earlier tonight. My frustrated mommy tank had hit full. I love my little one but everyone knows sometimes you just get overwhelmed, overstimulated (or under as the case may be), tired and just plain cranky. Thats where I was. Trying to put the baby to sleep, not extraordinarily difficult, but squirmy. Then I felt bad for feeling frustrated since you know she's just a 3 month old baby. *eyeroll* I'm tired of *feeling* everything. *sigh*
I just feel like I need some serenity, I need a vacation, a little time to myself. Which is why even though I am tired, I'm sitting here typing out babble.

When I've put the baby down to sleep and dh is snoring, and I come down here, everything is still and quiet, I don't have to check on anybody, or feed anybody, or wash anything, or entertain anybody, or hold anybody or anything. It's just me. Just me. *deep breath*

I love my little girl more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, but I need some Fox time.

I guess I can address the title lest anyone wig out, though not sure that anyone is reading, not that it matters this blog is more for me than anyone.

I've just been feeling pretty mixed up lately. Of course I just had a baby and what not so I guess it's expected, but I still don't like it. Like I'll just get so annoyed at dh for some stupid little thing, and then when I snap at him I instantly feel bad cause I realize I'm being unfair. But I also feel resentment toward dh, for a bevy of reasons, but having the baby has somewhat magnified those reasons. *shrug* I don't know.

I worry about what it will be like to get back to work after sooooo long of being away. I worry people won't think I'm all that indispensible anymore. I know I'm missed and important, but it's just that little insecure voice in my head. Then I feel guilty about not being with my little girl. I vasilate between feeling sad that I won't get to sit with her all day if I want, and feeling relief to get some of myself back. Then I get anxious because I'll have to try and juggle work and taking care of her as well. Looking at it right now, I guess I will get much much much more efficient at work. LOL. No more slacking with the grading. I will basically just get as much work done as possible. Basically use my time wisely (wow, quite the concept, eh?). So that when I pick her up from daycare, I can leave work behind.

Becoming a mother has been the most profound thing to ever happen to me. I know that seems like a duh statement but it bears uttering. I just heard the song "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack (via Pandora, thanks Yoda!) and while some may see it as predictable and somewhat sappy/trite. I now listen to it with a mothers ears. I could always empathize before, but now I feel it. I feel it in the pit of my stomach I feel the immensity of the responsibility I have taken on. It scares the complete crap out of me. I am totally floored that the world has allowed me to take on this job. I feel terribly irresponsible for letting some the asshats out there try to do this. Not sure if that made sense but I think you know what I mean.
Anyway, I think the weight of a little life completely dependent on you can get heavy. Though, her smile does make it worth it. :)

Oh speaking of which, WTH! She actually finally laughed (like more than once) for dh! WTH!? I am with her 24-7, I talk to her, tickle her, play with her and nothing more than a possible giggle and for dh, she actually laughs. *sigh* *eyeroll* Whatever. Although I have to say dh has gotten alot more engaged and alot more tuned in with her. I'm very happy for that and well I think the laughing was God's way of encouraging/rewarding his behavior. Yay, I need some too. *pouty face* *sigh*

I bought the drawer pulls I've been wanting for 3 years now. They were on sale, so I decided to finally get them! Dare I put them on without even telling dh I bought them!? Of course I felt guilty for buying them which is totally stupid. I feel guilty alot lately. I don't know why. Why? Why do I feel so guilty about so many things? Ugh. Oh and I realized I needed one more so I think I'll buy it tomorrow and yes put them on without him knowing and see what his reaction is. I'm kinda afraid, but I can't wait to see how they will look!

Ok it's getting late. I should go to sleep. 6 am will be coming quick. Although I'm loving this Pandora! :) Ok, I'm yawning, gotta get to bed. Going to visit my sisters tomorrow. I will miss C alot when she moves. *sigh* You never know how much you wanted to do with someone until they are leaving. I hate that I didn't get to see the kids as much as I wanted. :( and now they are leaving. That totally sucks. Ok no sad, I'll see them tomorrow. Oh! and we get new clothes from Nitza! Yahoo! It's like going shopping for my little girl but not spending any money! ;) Ok I'm out.

G'night.
Fox