An epiphany in the closet

I was just standing in my closet, one more time in the eternal quandry;
"what should I wear? What will fit?, I have nothing to wear. *sigh*

This same scenario happens everyday that I have to leave the house, usually it involves trying on several things that all look hideous and don't fit and I feel like shit. Every time.

This time I'm staring at a bunch of clothes I haven't touched in who knows how long, and I just start talking to myself (I do this alot).

"I'm tired of having nothing to wear. I'm tired of nothing fitting, I'm tired of worrying about nothing fitting. I'm tired of the anxiety of shopping, I"m tired of being afraid that I will simply get bigger. I'm tired of STRUGGLING. I'm tired of fighting weight loss. I'm tired of fighting myself, I'm tired of beating myself up, I'm tired of feeling guilty cause I don't take care of myself, I'm tired of being afraid of where my overwight self will end up health wise. I'm tired of dealing with this.

You'd think that I had decided to just throw in the towel and just accept being 215 lbs. but thats not what I was thinking or what I meant. I could feel it in my core and I knew I had to write it down. I was tired of FIGHTING MYSELF. I admitted defeat and just accepted that I will have to work out every day, I accepted that I will have change my eating habits forever. Not for a little bit, forever. This is not weight watchers, this is not lose weight so I can have a baby, or lose weight till I hit a particular BMI, or number on the scale, or lose weight so I can look hot, or lose weight so my family will get off my back, or lose weight to make someone else proud. This has nothing to do with a number. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm tired of fighting as a fat person, I don't want to be overweight anymore. I am so done with this. Look, it is what it is, my metabolism is what it is. I can't eat refined carbs, I can't eat the large amounts of sugar I've been eating, I can't be sedentary like I have been. It's done, it's over, I just can't carry this weight or guilt anymore. I am tired. It now seems just easier to pick the right things to eat than to deal with the aftermath of not. It seems easier to just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes than deal with the shit of not doing it.

It's like you wake up at night to feel like someone has grabbed you in a bear hug and is strangling you. You thrash and fight and gasp and claw in the dark but with each turn you feel the grip getting tighter and eventually you fall out of bed onto the floor. You sit up and realize you were just fighting with yourself in a tangled up blanket. The only person squeezing yourself tighter was you and your fighting yourself.

I am so done with this.

*sigh*

fixing things

I definitely think we try to repair damage from our relationships with our parents through our children. Perhaps we promise to parent different than our parents did. Or tell them I love you more cause they didn't tell us enough, be more overtly affectionate if we didn't feel hugged enough. Perhaps it's be more or less permissive than our parents were. Whatever the issue, we try to mend our rips and tears, and holes and scrapes by not ripping and tearing the same seams and holes that we felt our parents did.

I guess that I knew would happen. but I guess I didn't realize that the same thing would happen when you picked someone to marry. I find it incredible just how we can find the actual person who can push our buttons like our parents did. You find yourself possibly saying the things you wixh you could have said years ago. Or responding in your mind with "yeah whatever dad!"

I said I would never marry a man like my father (I love him very much, but I wouldn't necessarily want to marry him). In some ways I didn't, but in some very particular ways I did. Hmmm. How? I thought I had looked out for that.

I guess you can't outsmart human nature. We all fall prey to it one way or another.
Hmmm.

-insert title here-

I need a makeover. Bad.

Hair.
Clothes.
Makeup.

All of it.

Yup.

Ugh.

Fox.

What's happened to me?

I used to be a happy person.
I used to be optimistic.
I think I worried, but not like now.
I used to say it will all work out.
I think my friends would have described me as easy going.
I knew I had issues, but I don't think they overwhelmed me as much.

So what happened?

*sigh*

Discontent with your life.

I'm feeling moody and discontent with my life. *Harumph!*

I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed earlier tonight. My frustrated mommy tank had hit full. I love my little one but everyone knows sometimes you just get overwhelmed, overstimulated (or under as the case may be), tired and just plain cranky. Thats where I was. Trying to put the baby to sleep, not extraordinarily difficult, but squirmy. Then I felt bad for feeling frustrated since you know she's just a 3 month old baby. *eyeroll* I'm tired of *feeling* everything. *sigh*
I just feel like I need some serenity, I need a vacation, a little time to myself. Which is why even though I am tired, I'm sitting here typing out babble.

When I've put the baby down to sleep and dh is snoring, and I come down here, everything is still and quiet, I don't have to check on anybody, or feed anybody, or wash anything, or entertain anybody, or hold anybody or anything. It's just me. Just me. *deep breath*

I love my little girl more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, but I need some Fox time.

I guess I can address the title lest anyone wig out, though not sure that anyone is reading, not that it matters this blog is more for me than anyone.

I've just been feeling pretty mixed up lately. Of course I just had a baby and what not so I guess it's expected, but I still don't like it. Like I'll just get so annoyed at dh for some stupid little thing, and then when I snap at him I instantly feel bad cause I realize I'm being unfair. But I also feel resentment toward dh, for a bevy of reasons, but having the baby has somewhat magnified those reasons. *shrug* I don't know.

I worry about what it will be like to get back to work after sooooo long of being away. I worry people won't think I'm all that indispensible anymore. I know I'm missed and important, but it's just that little insecure voice in my head. Then I feel guilty about not being with my little girl. I vasilate between feeling sad that I won't get to sit with her all day if I want, and feeling relief to get some of myself back. Then I get anxious because I'll have to try and juggle work and taking care of her as well. Looking at it right now, I guess I will get much much much more efficient at work. LOL. No more slacking with the grading. I will basically just get as much work done as possible. Basically use my time wisely (wow, quite the concept, eh?). So that when I pick her up from daycare, I can leave work behind.

Becoming a mother has been the most profound thing to ever happen to me. I know that seems like a duh statement but it bears uttering. I just heard the song "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack (via Pandora, thanks Yoda!) and while some may see it as predictable and somewhat sappy/trite. I now listen to it with a mothers ears. I could always empathize before, but now I feel it. I feel it in the pit of my stomach I feel the immensity of the responsibility I have taken on. It scares the complete crap out of me. I am totally floored that the world has allowed me to take on this job. I feel terribly irresponsible for letting some the asshats out there try to do this. Not sure if that made sense but I think you know what I mean.
Anyway, I think the weight of a little life completely dependent on you can get heavy. Though, her smile does make it worth it. :)

Oh speaking of which, WTH! She actually finally laughed (like more than once) for dh! WTH!? I am with her 24-7, I talk to her, tickle her, play with her and nothing more than a possible giggle and for dh, she actually laughs. *sigh* *eyeroll* Whatever. Although I have to say dh has gotten alot more engaged and alot more tuned in with her. I'm very happy for that and well I think the laughing was God's way of encouraging/rewarding his behavior. Yay, I need some too. *pouty face* *sigh*

I bought the drawer pulls I've been wanting for 3 years now. They were on sale, so I decided to finally get them! Dare I put them on without even telling dh I bought them!? Of course I felt guilty for buying them which is totally stupid. I feel guilty alot lately. I don't know why. Why? Why do I feel so guilty about so many things? Ugh. Oh and I realized I needed one more so I think I'll buy it tomorrow and yes put them on without him knowing and see what his reaction is. I'm kinda afraid, but I can't wait to see how they will look!

Ok it's getting late. I should go to sleep. 6 am will be coming quick. Although I'm loving this Pandora! :) Ok, I'm yawning, gotta get to bed. Going to visit my sisters tomorrow. I will miss C alot when she moves. *sigh* You never know how much you wanted to do with someone until they are leaving. I hate that I didn't get to see the kids as much as I wanted. :( and now they are leaving. That totally sucks. Ok no sad, I'll see them tomorrow. Oh! and we get new clothes from Nitza! Yahoo! It's like going shopping for my little girl but not spending any money! ;) Ok I'm out.

G'night.
Fox

I'm diurnal

I am a diurnal animal. Definitely not nocturnal and not even really crepuscular, definitely diurnal.

So I can not continue my late night musings, I just can't stay up that late. After a few days of that I start to get really tired and cranky. It's not a good thing.

So here I am. Things I have noticed and want to write down.

Isabella has started cooing and "talking" alot more lately. Like in the last few days. She'll just break out in "oohs", and "aaahs", and occasionally an "Oooaaawoo". usually she's talking to her little animal toys as they spin over head. I love watching her make these noises, her little bow shaped mouth is so cute! I especially love to hear her progress. A great thought came to mind the other night as I was marveling at my little humans vocal development; I thought "I wonder what her voice will sound like?" It was a thought I had never had before. Her voice, her communication, her speech. Talking is so fundamental to women, I think, and specifically to me, that this pondering of my daughters voice seemed kind of profound. I wonder what she will sound like. *smile* I can't wait to find out.

I also saw an interview with Patti Reagan this weekend. She was discussing the long time strained relationship with her mother (and father) and she was talking about how the mother/daughter relationship is so important and so fundamental and so difficult. She basically articulated all the fears I've had about having this particular relationship. It's such a difficult thing that I'm almost afraid of it. I'm so afraid of screwing it up. but I guess we all do somehow, but yet, we mostly survive it and come to respect it. *sigh*

I actually got on the treadmill this morning. I worked out, hard. I wanted to die. but I guess I'll get back on again tomorrow. I'm a sucker for punishment I guess.

Ok, thats enough. G'night.

Fox.

Damn these breakfast cookies!

I'm eating them again. I think I need to get rid of them. Either by eating them and not purchasing more, or by throwing them out. We'll see which happens first.

I'm tired, I'm sleepy. Notice I stayed up too late last night. I'm going back to bed. I'll check in later.

Just a little nappy...soo shleepy....zzz

Fox.zzzzz

A new look!

So how do ya like it?

I like it. :)

Thanks Yoda, it took me forever, but finally something that suits me and is a little more up to date.

Fox. :)

March 25th wrap up

Well I am back tonight to review my day, and so exciting it was.

I didn't get to get rid of those magazines today, the day got away from me. When I put the baby down for her afternoon nap I decided to get dinner ready enough to just put in the oven when necessary. I made mini meatloaves. Damn, they were good. Like, real good. Yum, yum, yum! I got the recipe from someone on the veggie board and it requires some kinda of spice mixture that has like five billion things in it, but once you mix it up you have it every time you need it and so I already have it mixed. Otherwise its a fairly straight forward meatloaf, but oh so good, and super juicy, not dry at all! I made 4 mini loaves, and froze 2. I'm thinking we'll have them next week or the week after. yay me! Tomorrow the magazines, they just drive me crazy.

I didn't do so great on the WW today. I started out ok, but then by lunchtime I just didn't care anymore and it was out the window. I guess tomorrow is another day, I'll start again. *sigh*

My knees ache, as does my back. I swear I realize more and more I'm getting old(er). I almost think to myself I shouldn't have another baby, I mean crap, this one is wearing me out bad, another one?! Don't worry I know I will, I want Isabella to have a sibling and I want to experience pregnancy just one more time (as crazy as that sounds). Though I keep thinking that kids would have been far better around 27 or so. However I guess thats not what God had in store for me. I wish I knew what else he's got in store for me. *sigh* Anyway, Other mothers out there, will I get over this aching back/knees etc.? or is it permanent?

I'm following American Idol this season. I really like Allison (I think); the 16 year old rocker chick, as well as Danny Gokey. I do not like Adam, he drives me nuts with his drama queen-esqe stage presence, and Megan drives me crazy with her weird vibrato and her awkward shimmy on stage. Just enough of them already.

Ok, getting sleepy and I should get to bed. I wonder if my sister and I have plans tomorrow. I thought we had made plans last week but I can't remember exactly and I wonder if she remembers exactly. I guess I'll call her in the A.M.

March 25th favorite thing: getting back in the kitchen and turning out a great dish! I love to cook/bake. Some days I wonder if I would like to do it for other people for money and then I wonder if that would take the fun out of it. I'm thinking yes. I'm not an entrepreneur. I do love to cook for other people, but just for fun. I don't do anything fancy and I don't do anything too off the cuff, mostly just following good recipes, but I still like it, and I love it when other people do too! :)

G'night
Fox.

Ok, I'm getting sleepy

What else have I done?

I've made meatloaf. I'm kinda impressed with myself. Other than that not much. *sigh*

*after dinner*

Mmmmm, I'm quite impressed with myself, that meatloaf was sooooooo super yummy!!! And I will be freezing some for next week (or maybe the week after).

I think I'm getting my cooking groove back. Now that I know the baby will sleep/sit quietly in the afternoon I can get the cooking thing going again. :)

Yay me!

chatting updates

I swear I have fallen in love with these Dove dark chocolate eggs. Like really, I can't handle not eating them. I LOVE THEM. I am soo addicted. *fist shaking to the sky* CURSE YOU DOVE CHOCOLATE!

Ok, I'm feeling fairly productive, ate a sensible breakfast, swiffered the kitchen and living room. Thank God, I was about to die in dust bunny hell. How in the world can dust/fuzz pile up like that? If I can just keep up the swiffering like 1-2 times a week I bet we'd be dust bunny free.

I want to change my living room so bad I can't stand it!!! I swear one of these days I'm just going to do it, husband or no husband approval. I know exactly what I want to do, take out coffee table, buy cute nature-y area rug, buy two small round fake suede ottomans from Target that actually double as storage (for baby toys hello!), buy large clock from Target to put in place of stupid year round Christmas wreath. Buy another set of stars from Target to hang above fireplace with the other set with B&W pictures of me, dh and baby. Antique the name letters I purchased 2 years ago and put on mantel. Purchase floating picture frame choose 3 wedding photos and hang next to mantel. Take out dh's diplomas and hang by stair case. (sweet Jesus why have them if you're not gonna hang them?) purchase a few new throw pillows in nature-y colors. Sounds good right? That's what I thought. Oh and I want to purchase/put on drawer pulls for the kitchen as well. Honestly I don't need dh for one single bit of any of this. Except maybe to help me move the coffee table upstairs.

Today however I will accomplish taking out most of the magazines from my house and putting them into paper bags to take to recycling this weekend. So done with all this crap in my house.

Ok gotta go wake the baby, not sure why she has slept in so late today! Hmmmm. Ok, no more neglectful mother here, gotta go. I'll check in later and report on my progress. To whom I don't know, It's only Becky and Yoda that may occasionally stop by, but that's ok.

Over and out, 10-4
Fox.

Back for more fun.

Damn, why did I look at a previous post with those damn breakfast cookies. Now I want some. Grrr. Started the WW in earnest today. I tracked my food and stayed pretty well on task. I've identified really just a few items I could cut out of my diet and probably lose a bit of weight by just doing that. I am a carbo-holic and I love crackers, of any kind, I'll pretty much eat them no matter what. The crackers are kind of killing my diet. If I can just get over them and pretty much incorporate eating fruits or veggies whenever I feel like munching I think I can lose the weight. I did it tonight. I really wanted those breakfast cookies tonight, and instead I MADE myself wash the grapes I bought yesterday and eat them. They were good, and satisfied my munching craving, all for 0 pts and bonus fiber, Yay me! Augh.
I've also decided that there are some things I just can't give up. I can give up soda, even the diet kind, sweetened cereal, egg yolks, but right now I can't give up my dark chocolate. I just CAN'T, nay, I WON'T. Dark chocolate has flavenoids and antioxidants anyway, and I'm pretty sure they are good for me. I will fore-go the crackers I mentioned above to have a few extra points to devote to my lovely Dove dark chocolate. The little easter egg shaped chocolates are the perfect amount. Mmmmmmm. Enough about my weight issues, I'll save it for a rant that I'm sure will happen any day now.
I got up with Isabella, fed her, put her down again and when dh left for work I told myself I would get back in bed cause damn it, I deserve it and I can do it right now. However you knwo how it goes, I never did. Then Isabella woke up early and I went and picked her up. I decided to try napping in bed with her. Normally I am super paranoid about her being in bed with me at all, but I tried it and everyone was right. You sleep, but you sleep so lightly I stayed in the exact same position as I started in. It was really sweet to nap with her, I think I will again tomorrow. :)
Then we moseyed on over to the Target and picked up a couple of things including MAM pacifiers. I have no idea why in the multitudes of paci's I have purchased I never purchased these. They actually work the best! They stay in her mouth the best. Well I'll be! They are also the cutest out there, thank goodness! ;)
I also found the little ottomans I'd like to get once we move the coffee table out, and purchase the area rug. Someday soon. I already alerted dh to the impending purchase. He did not like it, but I said too bad, it has to happen.
Oh good news on the daycare front. I called them to check in and reassure them that I still want to give them loads of money to care for my child. The owner told me that June was looking good, she had already worked through May and June looked really good. Thank the Lord! *sigh of relief* At least I now know it's pretty much in the bag that my baby will have what I consider some of the best child care in the area, and down the street from work no less! Yay!
Finally I'll end with what I want to be a blogging tradition, my favorite thing of the day. It could be a memory, a feeling, an action, and actual object. Anything, but it had to have been my favorite thing.
March 24th favorite: my favorite moment today was when I woke up Isabella and she smiled a great big grin at me. I love that she just beams at me now when I wake her up. It's like I am the best thing ever to her, I guess I am in her limited little world. I hope I still am when her world is not so limited. She is certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me and my world is pretty big. She melts my heart with her great big grin. Love, love, love her!!

*yawn* ok, sleepy, time to go to bed. G'night.
Over and out, 10-4.
-Fox

Nocturnal

I now know why all my friends play their scrapping hobby at night. Cause you just don't have time during the day.

Now I haven't taken to scrapping at night, since I haven't gotten back to scrapping at all just yet. But I decided to come down and blog a bit and have a moment to myself after putting the baby to sleep.

OH sheesh, glorious moments to myself. Unheard of.

Dh is now sick. The baby and I were sick this weekend and we're getting over it, dh is just getting into the thick of it. I hate that he acts like he's dying. I'm sorry you feel like shit, but deal with it, you're a big boy. I didn't ask him to take the baby at all tonight, he slept on the couch and by the end of the night I was almost a basket case and I finally told him that he couldn't just shut down when he was sick. If he'll remember I didn't shut down this weekend even though I would have loved to. Guess who still took care of the baby even though she felt like crap? Oh yeah that would be me.

I still feel fairly unaccomplished like the other day. During the day, you don't get enough time to finish anything. You just have enough time to get started organizing something or cleaning something out and then you have to tend to the baby again. My house looks like a disaster, still, all the time, 24/7. I hate it.

There are far too many objects in my house. Literally objects. I want to donate, throw away, burn, give away, destroy, throw out, whatever, most of the crap in my house. It is all clutter. Piling up on top of itself. Bleh.

Ok, I need to go to sleep, so I can get up again at 6 to start over again. Ah 6 hours of sleep. Yay. Not nearly enough.

Fox.

Just babbling

Just saying what's going on in my head.



I've come to really like these cookies I found at the store. They are Animal breakfast cookies. they are made with oats, almonds and cranberries. They kinda grew on me and now I really like em!

I can't find my camera damn it. I remember I saw it last when I went to go visit my parents. I thought I took it with me, but didn't take it out of the car. I really want my camera. My baby is changing every day and I need to take pictures!!

Damn I need to clean up around my computer office area. Too much clutter.

I need to freakin' go back to bed for just a few more minutes of sleep. Sooo tired.

We have a Dr. appt. at 9:30. I can't wait to see just how much my little one has grown in these two months. She has grown at least 2 inches, and I'm not sure how many pounds. She's almost too big for the bassinet, and honestly sleeping so well through the night that she could move into her own room. *sniffle* but my little baby, all by herself. *sniffle, sniffle* I swear I have gotten so clingy with her. I just want to hold her, and hold her, and hold her. I keep thinking each day that goes by is one more day closer to going back to work and while I will appreciate the work again, I will miss seeing my little girl all day, and snuggling with her. I know I still have a good while with her, but I know it will go by so very quickly too.

*Sigh*

Ok, gonna go lay in bed for 20 minutes till I gotta get up again and get in the shower. *sigh*.

Fox.

Feeling anxiety, so I must complain.

This whole thing with Older Sis unfortunately has got me tied up in knots. I know she isn't giving it another thought, but it really bothers me. I'm angry, annoyed but also sad and I can't help but feel like it was somehow my fault (even though I know it wasn't) or that at least I contributed since I stood my ground and said I wouldn't censor myself. I know I have every right to my opinion as well, but then I wonder should I have just shut my mouth anyway, why make waves. Stupid I know.

Then this whole family land in Icecreamlandia thing, *sigh* I just don't even know. It is a 68 mile drive, ONE WAY. *sigh* I just want to cry. What do I do, I don't know.

Then I know I should start working out. My baby is 2 months now, I want to start getting in shape, I'm tired of being THIS shape, but I can't seem to organize myself enough, motivate myself enough. I'm tired.

Speaking of organization, I want my house to just be the way I want it, it's not working for me right now and I'm tired of that, but there are so many things I want to do or change and I have no help. Dh doesn't help me in that respect.I just want to eat at the table like a real family, and move the coffee table upstairs I guess, although our room is quickly getting smaller and smaller. And the cat room, God I won't even go into that. I need to give that room a good cleaning, and then call in the carpet people to clean the whole upstairs really. We could even put things in some of the closets but oh yea they are full of crap too.

Anyway I need to go make a grocery list. and take a shower before my baby wakes up (again, she already woke up and I had to put her back to sleep).

Perhaps I will come back later and try to put something more coherent together.

Learning Modalities

Hey Yoda! Thanks for the website! I really like it, and learned a bit about myself. I totally want to use it for my students.

My VARK results:

Visual- 11
Aural - 3
Read/Write - 9
Kinesthetic - 6

I was not surprised by the visual, I already new this, but I would have thought the Kinesthetic and the Read/Write would be switched. However, I kind of see the Read/Write as kind of a visual thing. I can see the words on the page kind of thing. Hmmm, I also thought this was an interesting comment from the website:

"One interesting piece of information that people with multimodal preferences have told us is that it is necessary for them to use more than one strategy for learning and communicating. They feel insecure with only one. Alternatively those with a single preference often "get it" by using the set of strategies that align with their single preference."

I was classifed as multimodal, and I agree with the statement above. With the airport directions question, first I picked the map, then went back and added the written directions cuase I literally thought "No, they also need written directions just in case they don't understand the map." I really did feel insecure with just the map. Hmmmm.

Anyway, I can't wait to use this with my students, Yay! :)

Fox

Little Accomplishments

We made it to two places today without major meltdowns! Yahoo!

I went to the mall this morning mostly to just go walking somewhere safe with my baby. Living in the city has it's perks, everything you could possibly need is within 2 miles and it's downsides, everything you could possibly not want is within 2 miles including scary people and traffic. So I went to the mall to walk. You know it takes 1/2 and hour to walk the whole mall once. Damn, thats a big mall. Isabella seemed to be ok with it.

Dh should be happy that this kid likes movement. She didn't let me stop anywhere long enough to buy anything. So at least she's saving me money there.

I decided to feed her at the mall since there are an abundance of places to sit and I really needed to get to the grocery store.

We successfully navigated the store and we had zero cart accidents. Thats more amazing than you think since you can't see where the front of the cart is with the carseat in the way.

Then we got home, and she actually slept and let me eat, *phew* thanks little girl!

Last but not least, I need to send a big thanks out to the lady in the grocery store line behind me. She asked how old Isabella was, and I responded and mentioned how it was our first 2 destination outing. She complimented me and said she had thought I looked pretty with it for having a little baby with me. I looked in the mirror at home and decided she must have been trying to cheer up the obvious new mom, I looked pretty bad, but I appreciated her compliment all the same. Thanks nice lady at HEB, I promise to pay it forward, you made my day. :)

Happy Birthday Isabella!

Isabella's one month birthday was 2 days ago and I just wanted to list a few things (more for myself really) that she can do. This is more for scrapping so if this seems a bit of boring reading for you, I apologize!

At one month Isabella:

Can lift her head when on her tummy.

Focuses on mirrors, toys and especially faces.

Has started to coo and “talk”.

Makes a lot of faces, but smiles really big when she’s asleep.

Can soothe herself pretty well, when she’s sleepy.

Has slept pretty much through the night a few nights (6.5 hours!) mostly it’s about 5 hours at a stretch.

Drinks about 4 oz at a time.

Loves to nap in her swing

Has started to nap on me on her tummy.

This month has passed by both quickly and slowly. I can't believe she is already a month old, but also, it seems like such a long time ago that we were all impatient for this baby to come. It seems like the past month has been a blur, kind of a dream and I wake up and here I am! How did I get here?

I was driving along today (had to return the breast pump today, hooray!) and I realized. I am someone's mother! I am a mom! Wow, I really have a baby. A sweet little girl. Wow! Whoa. I am amazed and humbled at the same time.

I love this little girl like crazy! I am so very lucky to be her mom!

Happy Birthday Isabella! I love you little girl!

Fox

Neural pathways!

My baby is looking at one of her toys! Jacques the Peacock to be exact! He is the cutest little interactive bird I have ever seen. While the front of him is an explosion of color, mirrors, ribbon, pattern etc (in fact I'm wondering if it's a bit sensory overload) the back of him is a red but and his fanned tail are patterns of black and white. Perfect for my 2 week old baby. She stared at these black and white patterns and I could see she was really looking at them, not just randomly looking in that direction. and yes it was hanging close enough so she could see them. It was awesome. Neural pathways building... I could just see them. Being laid out like little brain super highways.

Yes! :)

Fox.

observations I must put down on paper so I don't forget them. Caution may cause too cute, sugar sweet, mommy love, induced coma.

I love it when my baby blinks her little eye lids all slow like. Her little eyelashes have finally totally unfurled and no, she doesn't have Maybelline commercial conjuring eyelashes, but they are brown, cute, and delicate. And every time she blinks while she's drinking her milk she blinks all slow, content and deliberate. It's simply beautiful.

She also has a very cute cupid bow shaped mouth. Once last week I smiled down at her and the right corner of her mouth curled up in the slightest little smile! I know this was not a deliberate smile, it was probably gas, or a random muscle twitch, but I don't care.

*whisper* She smiled at me before anyone else.

I take her little hand in mine. I ask myself, how in the world could we have been so very small at one point? Her little hands, and her little fingers, and her little fingernails are so tee-ninesy!

I really don't care one bit what other people say. I know in that operating room I felt God. I know every time I pick her up and she looks up at me and curls her little hand around my finger, and yes even when she was crying last night at 11:30 and I started to cry a little bit, I felt God. She is a miracle. Everyone talks about "the miracle of life" It's so very true.

People have asked me how I can be a biologist and support the theory of evolution but yet still believe in God, have a christian faith and even participate in "organized religion". I've had my struggles in these areas. I've documented some of my frustrations and pains with God right here. But I also considered the beautiful biological world I loved and studied as evidence that God exists, not the opposite.

The natural world is too complex. Too many things have to be just so, just right for it all to function correctly. Sometimes it doesn't, and to me that is evidence of biology (since some people at the other end of the spectrum place no trust in science. I take issue with both ends of the spectrum.) In my estimation I take the stance of God as a the watchmaker, making the world and the mechanisms that run it (the theory of evolution is so beautifully simple, how could it NOT be divine?!) Setting it in motion and allowing it to run. I won't go so far as to say he doesn't tinker in his watch on a regular basis, but the basic design functions as he created it run along, this I believe is what we call "the sciences". I think about the human body in all it's complexity and how it needs to have all parts functioning just right. Then I think about Isabella, and that she is whole, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and that she grew inside me. How that happened, I don't know. Oh well biologically I know, but spiritually, cosmically, whatever-lly, I don't know. That is my miracle. How could my lowly, little body have grown and nurtured and produced such a beautiful, amazing, little individual? God only knows.

And thats ok with me.

Thank you God.

Fox.

One of my new favorite shows.

One of my new favorite shows comes on tonight! Yay! And NO it's NOT Glenn Beck, smarty pants Yoda! I do however enjoy his show very much though, yes I am conservative, not crazy, but conservative, and NO they are NOT THE SAME! Stop snickering Yoda! I see you back there! B have you checked out his show? it's on a 4 pm on FOX News Channel. Catch if you can, it's funny, insightful, and it's NOT MSNBC (soon to be renamed, "The Barack Channel, all Barack all the time. I can feel the chills running up my leg too!")

Anyway! No one of my new favorite shows after watching ONE EPISODE. Friday Night Lights. I know call me crazy, but the writing is fantastic, the characters nicely complex, the situations so close to reality it's painful and the filming is excellent. I found myself talking to the TV, advising the characters. "Mmm...mmm... mmm, naw honey, you can NOT fix him. Just run, run away fast!" and "You go new principal! It is not popular to use the booster money for academics but you go on with your bad self!"

Ok so my TV discussion sounds corny and stupid, but the show most certainly is not, I'm a total convert. It's on at 8pm tonight, I think on NBC, it's on our DVR list so I have no idea where or when it's on except that it's on tonight. check your local listings as they say. Give it a try, I think you'll like it!

Fox.

Poor Dh, and pass the tums.

I had to get this stupid but funny little story down. I made chili on Tuesday, it's actually super easy, one pound of browned meat, dump in a couple of cans of various items and a seasoning packet and voila, chili. It's one of my go to easy meals, dh likes it, I'm ok with it. We put together frito pies and well then it's pretty darn good.

Anyway, there are always left overs for a couple of days worth of dh's lunches. Well I'd been meaning to clean out the fridge since before the baby arrived. Unfortunately baby arrived and there has been no time for that. I knew that would happen and I was annoyed with myself that I hadn't made myself do it before she came I knew it was a task that would get left behind. OH well, no biggie. Well except that we are running out of containers and room in the fridge. hmmm.

Anyway (I say that alot don't I?) dh took chili for lunch on Wed., then Thursday he took chili again. thats cool we had two containers of leftover chili. He comes home last night and says, "the chili tasted a little funny, this afternoon." he was washing out the container and he said, "see, smell it" I did, and it did smell "funny". I looked at him, I went to the fridge and looked, the 2nd container (a white one, not blue) was still in the fridge. I said, "how many times have you had chili for lunch this week?" he says twice. I'm sure I got this funny look on my face. He says "so that little white spot I ate today was not a little bit of sour cream that got into the chili?" I said, "Um, I dn't think so. We had 2 container of chili from this week, one was blue and one was this white one." I lifted the container out of the fridge. He looks at me, rubs his stomach (starts to grimace a bit) and said "I ate two BLUE containers this week. How long has it been since you made chili before this week?" I looked at the calendar on the wall knowing it had to have been at least 2 weeks-ish. I honestly had no idea how long it had been. I knew it had been at LEAST 2 weeks. I told him as much and he started to look a little green and he asked what would happen to him. I brushed it off and "Nothing is going to happen to you." of course I'm thinking in my head, "He ate lunch at 2 pm, it is now 6:30 pm. Surely if he ate rancid meat he would be barfing by now. right?" I said, at most I'd give it 24 hours, I'm sure your fine, it was definitely cooked well and has a bunch of spices and was obviously refrigerated. Other than not tasting as good as possible I'm sure your fine." I'm thinking, ok if it's food intoxication the evidence would be showing up before now or at least by now, if it's food infection it could take 24-48 hours to show up. Either way unless it's Clostridium botulinum or maybe like Salmonella or something it's probably not a big deal. He then said, "I think I might feel kinda sick." I looked at him and said "Nope, stop it, you felt fine just a minute ago! THAT is in your head!"
We then proceeded to have our dinner and watch various shows, I think he forgot by the time we got to bed that night. So far so good, he has not vomited, or felt any lockjaw setting in. *eye roll* so I guess this means I'm cleaning out the fridge today, and well, perhaps some lab label tape and a sharpie could go a long way in our fridge. i should follow the rules I set for my micro students about labeling your media. Thats really all that food is right?

*sigh*

Oh, and I am sooo glad it wasn't me. LOL, of course it would never BE me cause,well if something didn't smell quite right I wouldn't be eating it. Duh. *eye roll* I smell the milk EVERY TIME I open it. EVERY TIME.

*shiver* bleh.

Fox.

Random Observations over the last week and a half.

1. I did not immediately think my baby was cute when they pulled her out of my womb. She had the hugest lips and had this horrible grimace on her face! I really thought to myself "OMG my baby is not cute!" Of course I immediately felt like a bad mother (I've become familiar with this feeling already, and I'm sure it will be a constant companion along side pride, wonder, unbelieveable love, and heartache for the rest of my life. Am I right other mothers?), They cleaned her up, wrapped her up and brought her too me and laid her on my chest and I thought "OMG she is the most beautiful being on this earth!"

2. I cannot love my husband more than when he is loving our child. I know it's partly hormones and biology but I also know it's partly God too.

3. I am so glad I have made it a policy to not really go see people at the hospital or in the first week they are home with the baby (except family). If they want me to I will go see them, but for the most part I figure they are tired and overwhelmed, I can visit and help them when they request or later. I now know, I am right. Oh and flowers while beautiful, kinda useless. Oh and always have these items delivered to the house NOT the hospital, it's just more stuff to try to take home.

4. My baby is the most beautiful baby EVAH! and you can't tell me otherwise. No like seriously, she is THE cutest ever created. Like she could be a Gerber Baby model. Today, right now. Where do I sign the contract? Cause while adorably cute, she is also extremely expensive which brings me to #5.

5. How do people with little money have babies? They cost a ton. Now more than likely they did not have pay thousands of dollars to actually conceive but even if you got a "free" baby, um, the accesories and I just mean basics like daipers, wipes, and formula (although if BFing I can obviously see a large price difference.)alone will cause you to take out a second mortgage. Never mind any gadgets to make life easier. Eh, who knows.

6. One of the first realizations I came to in the hospital once everyone had gone and it was quiet. I was holding my baby and I realized that we all started out that small. Everyone, from the lowliest of the low to the mightiest of the mighty. We were all once a tiny helpless child, and we were all someones baby. It added a new facet to my view of humanity. No matter how wonderful or awful we turn out to be, we all started with a blank slate. Tiny, helpless, and new. This thought to me is humbling.

7. I have a new insight into my own mother. I've come to realize over time that my parents are just people, like anyone else. I think most of us come to realize this, but obviously now more so. We have our disagreements and we have our happy times too (luckily more of the latter than the former now), but I now see more, and feel more just how human my mother is. I am now a mother and my own weaknesses and strengths, insecurities, humor, loves, relationships and personality traits are just as present as they were January 16th. I feel like who I am is no different than I was just 2 weeks ago, but yet who I am is different, I have added to who I was. Although how all these parts go together is still in flux. I suppose I'll figure that out eventually (or maybe not?).

8. Time slips by exceedingly fast. How does that happen? Frick, it's already 11:10, pretty much coming on lunchtime. *jeesh*

Ok speaking of which I should probably get a few things done. Isabella is happily (so it appears to me) swinging in her swing. I wonder what she's thinking.

Oh one more thing:

9. Being a biologist is a double edged sword in this case. It's a situation of knowing too much. I have to keep perspective on my worries. Is it really ok to store breast milk or made up formula in ziploc bags or #7 plastic nalgene bottles? What about BPA and leaching plastics? I'd hate to screw up her endocrine system at 12 days old! Am I stimulating my baby enough when she is awake? Her little brain will lay down more neural pathways the more she is exposed to stimuli, AM I NOT STIMULATING ENOUGH?! Is my child not making as many neural pathways as possible because I'm not holding her enough? should I be changing her outfit every morning? she has been in this same outfit for 2.5 days straight, am I a bad mother? I really want to set a night time routine of feeding changing into a new outfit with some "sleepy time lotion massage" Holy crap I didn't get to it tonight, will she feel less loved?! This sling bends her head funny, am I hurting her?, She seems happy but what if SHE'S NOT?! Is dh bonding with the baby enough? Is she missing out on enough "daddy time?" Is sticking my kid in the swing/bouncer ignoring her?

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Ok, it's in those moments I call my BFF for non-hormonal perspective, then she slaps me upside the head. Thanks, I needed that. ;)

Fox

Wow, what an hour nap, a couple of cats and a magazine can do for ya!

hey all, I know I have been somewhat AWOL but you all know why. However I am back! I will get Isabella's birth story up soon, I'm still working on it, it's getting long and I think I need to re work it some. However I realize I keep missing out on the little "here and now" thoughts because my blogger screen was taken up with the long story, so I've copied it to Word and will be working on it there to finally post here.

So anyway, for todays post.

I finally was able to force myself to take a nap this morning. I've been getting more and more exhausted and yesterday was pretty bad. by the afternoon I was pumping and hating it. I even started to cry last night simply due to exhaustion and kind of loneliness. I am a people person, I NEED human interaction, and lots of it. It's not a want, it is a need for me and while my baby is human she is a tiny demanding human who while being the absolute cutest baby on the planet is not much of a conversationalist (yet).

So anyway, dragged out of bed this morning when dh left, fed the baby, put her down and MADE myself gingerly lay down with my pillows and a lovely down throw blanket and drift off to a delicious nap. OH DEAR GOD. How I NEEDED that.

Not only that but my 2 sadly neglected kitties came to sit with me. They reminded me that they are still my little companions as they have been for 10+ years. They love me and give me reassuring warm fuzzy bodies to pet and calm my nerves. They reminded me of who I was before a week and a half ago when I added mother to my list of titles.

I finally awoke an hour later to the baby just starting to stir and realized I needed to pump (ow! rock hard boobies!) before Isabella really started to demand a bottle! So I took my sister's advice (why I hadn't before I don't know) and grabbed a magazine to read while I pumped. Wow, 15 minutes, really is NOT that long and torturous. With the nap I came to see my pumping of breast milk as the loving sacrifice I know it is, as opposed to the vaguely degrading, milk cow like burden I had seen it as yesterday afternoon.

So now the 8:00-9:00 nap will be set in place forever. Or at least while my little precious bundle will let me. Speaking of which, she is wanting her bottle! So for now, see ya later!

Fox.

Ok, I know I'm just being impatient now but, ugh.

I really don't know how to feel. I know it's alot of hormones talking here, but part of me just wants to be done with pregnancy and have my baby already. Then I realize I should really relish this little time I have left to myself, fairly carefree(ish). The Dr. is giving me another week, which actually I think is the best decision before deciding to induce. I hear an induced pregnancy is longer and harder as opposed to just letting nature take it's course. She didn't say my baby seemed big or anything. I figure if the Dr. isn't worried then I guess I'm not either.

*sigh*

I just don't know. Although I will say my family hounding me about "isn't that baby here YET?!" is really starting to grate on my nerves. Especially my mom. She's acting like I'm some alien because I haven't had my baby yet. She actually asked if the Dr. was going to send me for an ultrasound or something, or if something was wrong. Um no, I am not abnormal! She is just used to people having their babies early. Yeesh, I swear I'm starting to feel like a fish in a fishbowl. Now if you're one of my friends and asking don't worry you're not causing me the anxiety, it is strictly my family.

I feel kinda weird though, like I want her to get here, but I also still have fear of the change. I know it's normal, but it's an uncomfortable feeling. I guess I should just be thankful for the normal uneventful pregnancy thus far (especially after all the work we had to do to get here) and let God just handle it as he will. Let go and just trust God. Lord I am yours, deliver me.

Literally.

Baby update

Nope, she's still not here.

I did some walking around the house tonight, I knew it would get her moving and sure enough it did. She's doing her nightly tap dance in there. I'm hoping she will tap dance her way right out of my uterus.

Although I have to say I'm going to miss feeling her move when she is out. I know, I know I will finally get to see and hold her, but still, I will miss feeling her and just kinda knowing. *shrug* Ok pregnancy hormones are cranked up to "high" now. *eye roll*

*smile*

I feel like such a budgeting loosah (loser)!

I was just on the veggie board and someone asked "what is your grocery budget for a family of 4?" Well I read through some of the comments, and as I went further and further, I realized that many people are spending LESS for their family of 4 than dh and I do for the TWO of us! *sigh* Now I realize many of these people are the crazy coupon/stockpilers, and well I just don't have time for that. I used to try and coupon and it was ok, but when I strictly kept myself to only using coupons for things we normally bought, I rarely had that many coupons to use. I don't do Rice-a-roni, or Go-gurt, or whatever. Oh and if we buy deli meat we like Boars Head, I know it's expensive, but, really thats what we like. Although I have made myself buy the prepackaged stuff cause I just can't bring myself to pay the Boars Head price, but I will admit, I miss it. *sigh*

Anyway, I usually spend around $120 a week for groceries, not including paper goods/toiletries. I get that stuff at Target. Before grocery prices went up we probably spent around $80-$100 a week. Now mind you I had gotten away from my weekly menu making. The menu helped alot in keeping the budget, I just started that again this week, so hopefully I can get back into the swing of that, especially since I'll be at home for the next 6 months.

I felt like such a budget loser. :( I know it's not an earth shattering topic, but I started to wonder if I could really "tighten the belt" if it came to that. I know I could, but I have to admit it would be kinda hard. Dh would definitely have to learn how to embrace more vegetarian meals, no more of this meat at every meal bit. *eye roll* Yoda, I'm sure you could help with that! ;)

Starting my "list"

I haven't really had "A list" in a long time. You know the list of hotties you would so "do" if you had the chance. Now mind you this is not the list you have with your significant other of "if you had the chance I would allow you to have sex with these people". THAT list is a no. Cause I know who would be on dh's "list" and well, honestly I'm a jealous beyotch and uh, no, *crosses arms and lifts and eyebrow* that is NOT happenin'. Well and it's just never gonna happen anyway so whatever. That and dh does not agree to "that" list either so meh, whatever. This is just the "I find him totally hot list". I honestly haven't had a list like this in a while, I guess I just don't get terribly star struck. Famous people (since these lists tend to have famous people) are just that, people, and are just as terribly flawed as the rest of us. They just happen to have high profile jobs, but thats it. In fact it bugs me when they try to use their fame for things like political influence *gag* that especially irks me, whether conservative *sarcastic chuckle* like that ever happens, or liberal *cough, all of Hollywood cough* I think it's obnoxious. Why on God's green earth should I consider Susan Sarandon's opinion any more than I would any other person on the street? Cause she memorizes words and can repeat them with much emotion in front of a camera? *hysterical laughing* yeah um, NO.

ANYWAY (I've gotten waaaaaayyyy off topic here, what a shock!) I have two people to put on my Hottie McHotstuff list. Drumroll please!

Gordon Ramsey (oh yes the chef!)
Daniel Craig (A la James Bond actor)

Now Ramsey is just hot, I mean he is an effing CHEF! HE can do all the cooking! but thats not all, he is an avid soccer player (he was a pro at one point) so he's still in awesome shape, he has great hair, he has like 3 smallish kids and is awesome with them and he loves his wife very much which we all know is a super sexy trait! He has an english accent and well that ups the hottie score and his mean ass gimmick on Hell's Kitchen is just that, it's an act. If you watch any of his other shows he's much more a motivator, teacher, encourager than just a drill sargent. Although the fact that he can get all hard ass on ya is also kinda hot. *sigh* yes, I *heart* Gordon Ramsey.

Daniel Craig, now I don't know much about him except he's english (again the accent is delish!) he plays James Bond and he is HOT. Like really the kind that melts you into a little puddle. Thats all I know and honestly, thats all I need to know.

Ok, thats two on my "list" I don't really have anyone else, but I will update as necessary. ;)

Do YOU have a list? If you do go to the comments, list 'em and WHY!
I'm out!

Fox

Update, and I'm still kind of afraid

So lets see, I haven't had any contractions to speak of really in two days. Certainly not like I had and not at night. At least they don't wake me up. I do however feel really big and tight. I can totally feel this kid way down low and putting some pressure on my pelvis. I feel like telling her (and I do in my head) if you are so anxious to get out than just do it already! However, it still freaks me out to go through labor and then come home with a newborn. Yikes!

Which brings me to the second half of my title. I'm still kind of afraid. I know this is normal, in fact I would worry about myself if I wasn't afraid even a little. I totally ascribe to what Yoda has said many times, "If you're not afraid or nervous of getting married, or having a baby you have no idea what you're doing".

I am still afraid of labor, I know people do it all the time and go through it multiple times, but I'm still afraid. I mean holy crap, this kid is at least 7 lbs and 20 inches by now. Thats big, (I know it's actually normal) too big for me to imagine going through the good ol' hoo-haa! This is gonna hurt, and it's gonna be bad. Sweet Lordy Lord, I don't know how this is gonna work but I know it will and I'll be just fine, but ugh, I just don't know. Of course I keep visualizing in my head what it might be like and then when they give me my baby, I am going to just totally and completely lose it. *heart* I'm almost afraid of just what my feelings will be like, like just how strong and crazy my emotions will be. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. Jeesh!

I am also still afraid of what life will be like with a child now. It's that whole "my life will never be the same" thing. I know it's wonderful and totally worth it and blah, blah, blah, but it will be different. Whats weird is I still don't feel like I have a handle on the feeding/care part. Like I feel the strong desire (and I think I'll do this today) to make and print out a schedule of how often to feed, how often to change, etc. I know it seems kinda stupid but it's like I need to have a plan to make sure I don't forget. I've had weird dreams in the past about forgetting to feed my pets, or that I even HAVE pets, then I realize I did have a pet and oh my God I've been neglecting them totally etc.! I know these are normal anxiety dreams but normal or not they induce alot of guilt. It's like I need to make a checklist for the day of how to take care of the baby.
6 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz

8 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, peeps only no poop

10 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz
changed baby's clothes - changed from white onesie to green onesie with brown pants. swaddled with pink and brown striped blanket. Her color was rosy, was awake for 10 minutes and 32 seconds, yawned for exactly 2.67 seconds then the subject turned her head 1/4 turn to the subjects right side. Subject succumbed to sleep state at exactly 10:32 and 15 seconds.

etc, etc, etc.

I have just realized this poor kid is going to turn into a great big science experiment procedure. Oh wait thats how she started! *Bah dum, bum ching* LOL! *eye roll* Ok I need to go type up my Study Proposal complete with Hypothesis/Null hypothesis, Materials, Procedure, and Budget. I wonder if I should have saved all my receipts to turn in to the grants and budget committee. Wait, I did, thats dh! Buahahaha! I WISH there was a grants and budget commitee. Ok the science jokes are going really down hill now. Till later,

Fox.

A little lesson I learned today

Lets see what happened today? Cause you see I can't come up with something poetic or amazing to blog about all the time. I guess thats why I didn't blog for so long. I kept thinking I needed to have something profound or exceedingly entertaining to say, and well I just can't promise that dear readers. Thats just way too much pressure.

Anyway, um, my mom and my sister came by my house today to give me a bit of company. Evidently after talking to my mom yesterday afternoon my mom asked my sis if she wanted to drive down to visit me here in the big city (40 minute drive) since I sounded bored and lonely. Wow, I didn't realize it was soo obvious! LOL, I have been bored and lonely and whats worse I had started to let myself go! Not that I'm a high maintenance person otherwise, but I had started to stay in my PJ's all day, not take a shower (for like one day people, I'm not too bad!) sleep till like 11:00, lay on the couch like a loser. I know it sounds luxurious, but honestly, you just get really lazy after a while and days start to slip by. It's not a good thing. Today since I had people coming I got up, took a shower (yay me!) got dressed, PUT ON MAKEUP! did my hair. when we got home from lunch I felt the energy to start cleaning out the pantry, I felt better than I had in quite a while.

So note to self after the baby is born #1 stay in contact with people, #2 try to at least shower and #3 dress in some kind of real clothes. I think these 3 simple rules will hopefully keep me sort of sane. I know to cut myself some slack, but I also know myself. I'll get kinda lazy depressed if I don't force myself into some kind of routine, or do something kinda useful. And yes I know taking care of a newborn is very useful but you know what I mean.

That was my lesson for today. Basically, to keep up with proper normal human hygiene, it'll keep ya off the prozac. As Martha would say it's a good thing.

My audience calls, as does the pain

OK Sorry B, it was seemingly just a tease. Honestly it's been kinda looney around here but I've decided I want to journal more, I used to keep a paper journal. Those little spiral ones. I'd go to a coffee shop and write my thoughts down, feeling very collegiate and thoughtful doing so. Well here I am, I will try to do the same here, though no coffee shop, my battery doesn't last that long. Oh well.

Bad, bad contractions this morning started at 12:40. I had 4 reeeeaaally bad ones like 2 minutes apart. They hurt so much I couldn't roll over from my side. Crap, it took my breath away. Ugh, I finally got moved around and they have been tapering off for the past hour. I decided to get up cause I was horribly uncomfortable in bed and I didn't want to wake dh anymore. I had woken him up with the bad ones and he helped me move over and then I told him to go back to sleep, it's not like he can help me any. Although he did hold my hand.

Sigh so here I am. I wanted to get up and walk around a bit and it has helped. Good God, if those were just contractions, what in the hell am I going to do with actual active labor?! Sweet Mother Mary, I am going to freaking die! Epidural, epidural, epidural. Drugs are good, drugs are good, drugs are good. Women do this everyday right? In fact thousands are in labor right now, this very second and the vast, vast majority will be just fine... and in fact do it all over again, voluntarily. OK I can do this, with an anesthesiologist, I can do this. God bless modern medicine, thank you dear sweet Jesus above, and I AM NOT being sarcastic.