Tomorrow could change my life forever

Shit.

*sigh*

So tomorrow we go in for out embryo transfer. On Sunday we went in early in the morning for our egg aspiration. It was like a short outpatient surgery. I was put under anesthetic, all was fine except I got panicky right before I went out and thought to myself "Is this what it's like to die?" I immediately chastised myself for thinking such a thing and then I was out. I then found myself waking up in recovery.

They recovered 14 mature eggs. I had had 20 follicles or so, but only 14 mature eggs (well not JUST 14, I know it's plenty, I'm just saying). The nurse contacted me Monday and said they all fertilized normally and were doing well! It was the most bizarre feeling that there are 14 little "things" out there, alive, that are part me and part dh. The thought of that is so absolutely overwhelming that I can't think about it too much or I start feeling light headed. My whole concept of life just got more complicated. I've never argued the fact that life starts at conception. and I mean that in a literal biological sense, but it MEANS sooo much more now. Each one of those embryos could under the proper circumstances become a separate little person, that then grows up into a big person. Ok I can't think about it too much, head is getting floaty....

Anyway, I also felt an odd maternal protective feeling about these 14 little "things". I wanted to kinda go visit them. I've wondered about them, if they are doing ok, whats going on, what cell stage they are at, when are they splitting? What kind of genotype does each have? Which have double X and which have XY? Thats not even listing all the really strange ethical questions that come into play. Not sure that I want to get into that. Maybe another time.

Anyway back to the what I began this post with.

Tomorrow we go in for our embryo transfer. We'll pick the two biggest, best, happiest (according to the tiny survey they filled out, j/k! ha!) embryos and put them back into my uterus. I'm hoping the Dr. has some kind of embryo super glue. Something tells me no, but hey, if she wants me to stop by the Home Depot I'll be happy to.

Tomorrow could change my whole life as I know it. Forever. FOREVER.

That. Scares. Me.

Does this scare anyone else? I'm sure it does, but you know, the old fashioned way of finding out your whole life had changed was so "not your decision". You had sex, you missed a period you pee'd on a stick and bam! your whole life changed. This way I am paying someone ALOT OF MONEY to irrevocably change my life forever for me and I know exactly when it could be happening. This is just not natural and just not right. I mean it's right as in its ok, but you know, it puts a wee bit of stress on you.

I am stressed beyond belief, and a different kind of stress too. This stress is completely different from the "gotta get stuff done for my own life/work" stress. This is so mentally and emotionally and physically stressing that I just don't even know.

*sigh*

Shit.

*crossing my fingers*

I just had to share this little nugget

I love this. I'm usually not a huge fan of "Happy Bunny" while I find it funny, I think it's for adults to laugh at, not for kids to use to be rude. This said I LOVE this particular image.

LOL!

I'll blog a bit more later.

Fox

One day at a time

I went to the Dr. yesterday, she was really happy with our progress, 14 large follicles, I think 17 or 18 total follicles. She said we were progressing well, if a little quick, so we cut back on the Gonal-F. I was buoyed by her optimism.

She asked if I felt any feelings of "fullness" I replied that I did, I felt a little crampy, and kind of bloated. She said that was perfectly normal and that in fact for a lot of people their pants will get too small. Yay. I've lost weight and can finally wear some of my cool clothes and I'm gonna get big again. *sigh* but at least I now know that my 5lb weight gain is due to the water retention, & enlarging ovaries, not actual weight gain. Or at least I like to think so. ;)
She mentioned that before long I would have to wear elastic waistband pants. Especially if I get pregnant, and even more so if I get pregnant with twins. *sigh* What? Are you kidding me? *sigh* I've decided I will simply wear scrubs to work.
Sh!t, I teach prenursing students right? I should be able to wear scrubs to work right? Draw string pants could be good. I've always wanted to wear scrubs (read: pajamas) to work, now I might have a good excuse.

Like I said before, I was buoyed by her optimistic outlook. She even mentioned getting pregnant and maybe twins. I let myself get a little happy with that thought. It felt like it might actually happen, but I didn't want to let it go to my head. I have to remind myself, one day at a time. I thought about names even, in case I have a boy and a girl (our ideal thought, of course just having a happy, healthy baby at all is pretty ideal)but then I reminded myself to just think one day at a time. Not too far ahead. One step at a time. It keeps you from being too dissapointed if it doesn't work. Of course I don't want to be pessimistic either, I guess I just don't want to be anything but patient, and take it one day at a time.

Needle sticks, and pin pricks

I know it's been a while since I've posted, things have been crazy.

Dh and I have started our injections. We received our meds a few weeks ago. The box was big. Not gargantuan, but, pretty big. We opened it up and were bewildered by all the syringes and needles and bottles, and alcohol swabs. The next day we went to talk to the nurse for our medication information session. It was scary, confusing and did I mention scary? Especially the part about an IM injection of progesterone in oil everyday for 4-8 weeks. *sigh*

We started with one little injection of estrogen everyday. No biggie really, then about a week ago or so, we added 2 more sub cue injections per day of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (Leutinizing hormone). The first day I had to mix up all those injections and then begin injecting myself I was so stressed, then dh was being overly concerned double checking and asking lots of dosage questions. I was just stressed. It took at least 1/2 an hour to mix and prep everything, and by the time I was ready to inject myself I just started sobbing. I cried because I was just so tired. I felt like a failure, I felt like a freak, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Like I just wasn't whole enough. I wasn't supposed to be doing all that. I should just get pregnant, take my pee stick test and figure out a cute and scrappable way to tell my dh. Instead I'm shooting myself up full of hormones, going to the Dr. every other day, getting poked and stuck for blood work and having my ovaries hyperstimulated and evaluated. My dh, hugged me and told me it would be ok, and I took a deep breath and told myself "shut up and get a hold of yourself". Then I stuck myself, 3 times. Yay. It has gotten better/easier/faster. We've decided to let dh give me the injections and that way he can get used to injecting me, then maybe he can give me the IM injections. Which of course are very different from the subcue, but I think he might be able to do it. He's been doing really well with these.

The other day he accidentally stuck himself after he gave me my estrogen shot. He got all worried that he gave himself some extra estrogen. He asked me if it would do something to him. I told him "well your breasts will probably swell, but just slightly, not noticeable at all, maybe". I think he believed me for half a second. ;)