Tomorrow could change my life forever

Shit.

*sigh*

So tomorrow we go in for out embryo transfer. On Sunday we went in early in the morning for our egg aspiration. It was like a short outpatient surgery. I was put under anesthetic, all was fine except I got panicky right before I went out and thought to myself "Is this what it's like to die?" I immediately chastised myself for thinking such a thing and then I was out. I then found myself waking up in recovery.

They recovered 14 mature eggs. I had had 20 follicles or so, but only 14 mature eggs (well not JUST 14, I know it's plenty, I'm just saying). The nurse contacted me Monday and said they all fertilized normally and were doing well! It was the most bizarre feeling that there are 14 little "things" out there, alive, that are part me and part dh. The thought of that is so absolutely overwhelming that I can't think about it too much or I start feeling light headed. My whole concept of life just got more complicated. I've never argued the fact that life starts at conception. and I mean that in a literal biological sense, but it MEANS sooo much more now. Each one of those embryos could under the proper circumstances become a separate little person, that then grows up into a big person. Ok I can't think about it too much, head is getting floaty....

Anyway, I also felt an odd maternal protective feeling about these 14 little "things". I wanted to kinda go visit them. I've wondered about them, if they are doing ok, whats going on, what cell stage they are at, when are they splitting? What kind of genotype does each have? Which have double X and which have XY? Thats not even listing all the really strange ethical questions that come into play. Not sure that I want to get into that. Maybe another time.

Anyway back to the what I began this post with.

Tomorrow we go in for our embryo transfer. We'll pick the two biggest, best, happiest (according to the tiny survey they filled out, j/k! ha!) embryos and put them back into my uterus. I'm hoping the Dr. has some kind of embryo super glue. Something tells me no, but hey, if she wants me to stop by the Home Depot I'll be happy to.

Tomorrow could change my whole life as I know it. Forever. FOREVER.

That. Scares. Me.

Does this scare anyone else? I'm sure it does, but you know, the old fashioned way of finding out your whole life had changed was so "not your decision". You had sex, you missed a period you pee'd on a stick and bam! your whole life changed. This way I am paying someone ALOT OF MONEY to irrevocably change my life forever for me and I know exactly when it could be happening. This is just not natural and just not right. I mean it's right as in its ok, but you know, it puts a wee bit of stress on you.

I am stressed beyond belief, and a different kind of stress too. This stress is completely different from the "gotta get stuff done for my own life/work" stress. This is so mentally and emotionally and physically stressing that I just don't even know.

*sigh*

Shit.

*crossing my fingers*