No Mercy

Nope, I just had to swallow the truth, with all it's bitterness.

I got the phone call from the nurse. My hCG was lower today than even Wed. I stopped my progesterone shot. I should start bleeding one of these days soon.

I had in my hands what I had been working for for so long.

Then it was gone.

I tried to prepare myself, I had rehearsed the conversation in my head. Funny, the conversation was pretty much the one I had heard in my mind but I cried more than I did when I practiced the whole thing.

*sigh*

Good News, Bad News. I can't handle it anymore.

Ok so Monday I found out I was pregnant. The nurse said it, she said we had a positive test. Yay! We told some people, mainly family and some close friends. I went in again today for more blood work. Nurse calls, she says I need to go back in on Friday, my hCG level has dropped. *sigh*

I can't take this.

Ironically I found out this tidbit of info while at a babyshower. Talk about a buzz kill.

I can't handle this.

I am so emotionaly tired I can't see straight. Other things are going on as well that I don't want to go into here.

What I do know is that I alternately love God and hate God. God what are you doing and why are you doing it? I just want to rest. I need some help, I need someone to help me. I can't do it all, I can't take care of everyone else. I need someone to help take care of me.

Please God I can't go through a miscarriage, please God I am begging you, I AM BEGGING YOU. Please show me some mercy please.