So lets see, I haven't had any contractions to speak of really in two days. Certainly not like I had and not at night. At least they don't wake me up. I do however feel really big and tight. I can totally feel this kid way down low and putting some pressure on my pelvis. I feel like telling her (and I do in my head) if you are so anxious to get out than just do it already! However, it still freaks me out to go through labor and then come home with a newborn. Yikes!
Which brings me to the second half of my title. I'm still kind of afraid. I know this is normal, in fact I would worry about myself if I wasn't afraid even a little. I totally ascribe to what Yoda has said many times, "If you're not afraid or nervous of getting married, or having a baby you have no idea what you're doing".
I am still afraid of labor, I know people do it all the time and go through it multiple times, but I'm still afraid. I mean holy crap, this kid is at least 7 lbs and 20 inches by now. Thats big, (I know it's actually normal) too big for me to imagine going through the good ol' hoo-haa! This is gonna hurt, and it's gonna be bad. Sweet Lordy Lord, I don't know how this is gonna work but I know it will and I'll be just fine, but ugh, I just don't know. Of course I keep visualizing in my head what it might be like and then when they give me my baby, I am going to just totally and completely lose it. *heart* I'm almost afraid of just what my feelings will be like, like just how strong and crazy my emotions will be. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. Jeesh!
I am also still afraid of what life will be like with a child now. It's that whole "my life will never be the same" thing. I know it's wonderful and totally worth it and blah, blah, blah, but it will be different. Whats weird is I still don't feel like I have a handle on the feeding/care part. Like I feel the strong desire (and I think I'll do this today) to make and print out a schedule of how often to feed, how often to change, etc. I know it seems kinda stupid but it's like I need to have a plan to make sure I don't forget. I've had weird dreams in the past about forgetting to feed my pets, or that I even HAVE pets, then I realize I did have a pet and oh my God I've been neglecting them totally etc.! I know these are normal anxiety dreams but normal or not they induce alot of guilt. It's like I need to make a checklist for the day of how to take care of the baby.
6 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz
8 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, peeps only no poop
10 am feeding - check
change the baby - check, poop looked like xyz
changed baby's clothes - changed from white onesie to green onesie with brown pants. swaddled with pink and brown striped blanket. Her color was rosy, was awake for 10 minutes and 32 seconds, yawned for exactly 2.67 seconds then the subject turned her head 1/4 turn to the subjects right side. Subject succumbed to sleep state at exactly 10:32 and 15 seconds.
etc, etc, etc.
I have just realized this poor kid is going to turn into a great big science experiment procedure. Oh wait thats how she started! *Bah dum, bum ching* LOL! *eye roll* Ok I need to go type up my Study Proposal complete with Hypothesis/Null hypothesis, Materials, Procedure, and Budget. I wonder if I should have saved all my receipts to turn in to the grants and budget committee. Wait, I did, thats dh! Buahahaha! I WISH there was a grants and budget commitee. Ok the science jokes are going really down hill now. Till later,
Fox.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Update, and I'm still kind of afraid
Posted by redfox1218 at 12:57 PM
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5 comments:
Don't worry, those kinds of dreams--leaving your baby on top of the car--are perfectly normal and show how much you are taking your new responsibility to heart. Also, don't be afraid of the labor and delivery. Trust me, your body just takes over and your brain is just along for the ride. I thought I had thought out every possible scenario and detail of the birth, but what ended up freaking me out the most was having a giant sagging sack of skin where I had just been hosting a 9-pound baby. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to me what that would look like, and that freaked me out more than pooping on the delivery table--that's how you know you're pushing correctly, according to my birth teacher, and the nurse said she'd seen worse *vbg*--and all the other stuff.
As you can see, the event of becoming a mother has a permanent effect on a woman, and we will talk about it to anyone who will listen for years to come, because it is common to all women but our experiences are unique to each of us.
I can't wait to hear your final story!
Hugs, and good thoughts for a speedy delivery!
Nee
Aaaawww Nee! Thanks so much! Hugs from across the Atlantic! I had to laugh at your whole "sagging skin" thing. Although that thought had not occurred to me either and now it frightens me terribly!
*hug* Thanks!
Fox
Think of that children's story, The Saggy, Baggy Elephant, and that is pretty close to what I looked like. *urgh* But it eventually went away, so there's little physical evidence it was ever there, just the psychic trauma. *vbg*
LOL... nice. Dorks. :)
The weird part for me was hearing that my surgeon had his arm inside of my body up to his elbow. Thanks to dh for the play-by-play. ;)
I somehow missed this entry.
I am so excited for you.
And totally cracking up at the schedule thing. Luckily for me, I didn't have time to freak out about those things. Only a day really. Just as long as it took us to get our things done around the house and then drive the 8 hours to Oklahoma.
I totally worried (in that short but what seemed like a long amount of time) about whether or not I was ready to do everything I needed to do.
When she's hungry - - feed her.
When she's poopy or wet - - change her.
Love on her. Love on her a lot. Before you know it, she will be not so little anymore and struggling for her independence. Enjoy this time. It's going to fly by!
I love you, girl. I'm so, so, SO excited for you.
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