What is the question I don't want to ask?

Damn it all. I guess I have to do this too. Mostly because I think it has to come out.

I think the question you don't want to ask most changes as you move through life. Like Highschool, what if no one asks me to prom? (stupid I know but most things in HS are stupid) What if I don't get into the college of my choice? (I personally never wondered this one, cocky I know) In college, what if I never graduate? (again kinda stupid, never asked myself this one either) when I got my first job, what if "they" all realize I have no idea what I'm doing? (asked this one alot) getting married; what if this isn't the right decision? (If you don't ask this one before marriage you don't know what you're getting into) Now, at this point in my life, the question I most don't want to ask, (but is always in the back of my mind, never going away entirely) What if it never works? What if I never get pregnant? What if I never feel that flutter in my belly of little feet kicking? What if I never get to hear that delicate heartbeat? What if I never get the chance to rest my hands on a firm round belly? What if I don't get the chance to feel the sharp pains of labor, that while painful are the first of many pains universal to mothers everywhere? What if I never get to hold my baby, on my chest moments after arriving in this world? What if it never happens? What if I never get pregnant? This question plagues me most of all right now.



I know that there is adoption and I know that I can love any child, but I know before giving my heart away like that, I will have to mourn the loss of the child I never had. Because that child is and has been as real to me as anything.

It's been tough as of late, I don't want to get into details, it just has. I guess I felt I needed to get the above out of my head, at least for now.