Push, and push back.

"Why does God have to push so hard?"
"Maybe because he wants you to push back harder."


I had an experience this morning that can only be described as an enlightening moment.

God took me and finally shook me out a bit, he gave me a bit of a paddlin' as they would say out in west Texas. I have been a petulant and spoiled child, and he finally put his foot down. Though at least I have the sense of mind to realize it was definitely for my very own good.

I had a conversation this morning with dh. I really do think God was working through him (not in a possessed kind of way, but in the God works through our works kind of way). I don't want to really elaborate on the topic of conversation but more the revelations I had. The conversation really started to lay bare all the insecurities I've ever tried to hide away from the world, one by one they were opened to the light. It hurt, alot. I had a vision in my head of how God was working it.

I saw myself as a hedgehog, or an armadillo, with a spiny or hard outer shell, the shell they present to the world. It does a good job of protecting, of shielding those soft parts, the insecure parts, the parts that you want to hide away from everyone else. The parts of you that you are ashamed are there and you hope no one ever sees. The inadequacies, the insecurities, the ineptitudes. Well God simply picked me up (I was curled into as tight as a little ball as possible) and turned me over, pried me open and slashed my soft little underbelly. I struggled the whole time, I cried and kicked and screamed. "No, no, no!!" Never the less, he is bigger and stronger than I.

Not only did he expose that soft spot, the weakness, he actually cut into the flesh and revealed the soft sinewy strings that are every insecurity in my being. Like a guitar string he plucked each string in turn. As he pulled on one it caused the others to contract, when he let it go, it vibrated and hummed and caused each other string to twang as well. They are all intertwined you know, when you pull on one, you pull on the others. They are all connected to your actions like tendons on muscles, They cause you to flail about, in a crazy tap dance, they make you do things, even when you don't want them to. Your insecurities.

He revealed these parts open to the world, for all to see, and I could do nothing but acknowledge them, I've tried hard to push them away, protect them, hide them. Then, he grabs a string and pulls, and in a quick snap he rips it out. He heals me in an instant and hands me the bloody tendon like string. Its labeled "Lack of Follow Through". and I know what he means me to do. He wants me to get rid of it. I have to work on it until it gets smaller, and smaller and eventually disappears.

For now, it's thick and heavy. But I've been asking for it. I've been asking God to show me what to do, what he wants. Well, here it is, he just told me. That soft underbelly has a scar now, but the scar is harder and tougher than the flesh around it, stronger.

*******

After feeling raw and pained and finally humbled again, I thanked God for dh. God finally showed me one of the deep down reasons why God led me to dh, and it was because he is strong for me when I am not. In a way that I desperately need. Here I have been so conceided, thinking I'm always the strong one, stupid me. I was so weak, and he held me up, and gave me strength. Are there times when he is weak and I am strong? Yes, but not always, sometimes I am so weak I am a sniffeling, crying, weeping child, and he holds me and pushes me and encourages me. Thank you God for my strong husband that will stand with me always. Also for humbling me, and pulling me back in. *sigh*

"Why does God have to push so hard?"
"Maybe because he wants you to push back harder"

*sigh*