Betrayed by my own body

I have been betrayed by my own body. At least thats how it feels. This infertility testing is awful. It feels so surreal to walk into the clinic, all shiny with marble and stupid classical music playing softly in the background. There is a large flat panel screen in the wall playing scenes of marine fish and birds and the ocean. It does not feel relaxing, it simply feels patronizing. No one looks at each other, the nurse/receptionist just shuffles you through the paperwork, you sit. You sit and wait, wait for your name to be called to do whatever stupid thing they want you to do, give blood, take a physical, drop off a cup with semen in it. Whatever. And the Dr. He's a hoot. I assume he's good, my Ob/gyn recommended him and she's good, so I am trusting her judgement, I hope thats the right thing to do. He has dark slicked back hair, and he wears v-neck scrubs that shows his dark chest hair, bleh. oh and his gold chain. He's not all ostentatious really he just seems kinda cheesy. He speaks very softly, not certain if thats because he is trying to be "sensitive" or if you can hear right through the walls in his clinic, probably a little of both. We sat in this consultation room waiting for him to come and speak to us. theres a model of the uterus sitting on the table, all marked up from pens, like he's pointed to the same spots a million times. I"m certain he has. I thought about A&P lab, and how I would love to take that model in to show the students just what we DON'T want our models to look like. I figure he must not care since he's the one doing it. and he can buy about a bazillion more models from the looks of how many people are struggling to have children.

So many people. you just float in and out of the clinic, again, not looking at each other. and you smile and do what you're told, and all the while every one of us (at least I assume) is really wanting to break down and cry. Now, I don't know whats wrong with us yet. I don't know if its me, or him, or if its permanent or if its temporary. Whatever it is you just feel like a failure. I walked out of that f-ing clinic the other day and just felt numb. thoughts racing through my head.

"Is it me?"
"Is it him?"
"why us?"
"I absolutely hate this"
"biology is all about reproducing, and I can't seem to get that one biological act done."
"my body was made to hold and give life. Why won't it?"
"What good will my body be if it can't?"
"Why do I have to go through this?"

I walked back to my car, and just started crying, no, sobbing. I sobbed those big audible sobs, the kind that you just can't keep in. They have to be heard. You have to let it pour out. I rememberd back to all those times I had cramps, and hated wearing pads, and finally moved on to tampons (thank God for progress) and just in general hated that once a month interruptor. the once a month reminder of how great you feel when you don't have cramps ripping out your uterus. The once a month reminder (for me anyway) that god had made me a woman, and my body is meant to carry a child. meant to give life, to carry the one true miracle that people take part in. I've always had a deep connection with the essential female-ness of child bearing and motherhood. I've always wanted to be a mother. While the thought scares the daylights out of me, it also invokes in me a deep rooted feeling of necessity. I feel the need to have children. I want to have children, I want to bear a child. I don't know if that is how other women feel, but I know I do. Maybe it's societal programming, but I don't think so. I think its all biology. I think its all nature. It's one of the few things that still connects us to the earth and the other living things on this earth. For all our technology, we still cannot figure out where when or how the spark of life occurs. we only know it does, and we know it happens in a womb.

I'm supposed to go in for hormonal bloodwork on day 3 of my cycle then a sonogram on day 5 or 6. well my body has decided to menstruate while I am out of town. I've started but not heavily and the days are ticking away. I will have to wait another month to find out what is wrong with us. I can't do this. I can't go another month. I dont' know why, I've gone this long, whats one more month. I guess its that one more month of feeling like a damn rat in a lab. Thinking and thinking, waiting and waiting. Hopeing and praying, wishing and wondering. If I didn't already completely hate my body, well, just one more reason. *sigh*