Anxiety, anxiety!!!

Augh, I have so much stuff running through my head right now, I feel like its going to explode. About a billion things I'd like to talk about, yet the nagging feeling of things, I need to do, but don't want to do. Like the lab for tomorrow's class. Augh how I have come to despise that class. It's like an irritating tag that rubs on your neck and scratches and rubs and you just can't reach it to cut it off! You almost forget about it, but then you remember. AUGH! I know I'm making far more out of this than I need to, but well, honestly, sometimes I feel like I just can't help it.

This morning I was wondering if maybe I shouldn't think of getting a job doing something regular, like you know an office kind of job. then I realize what a stupid thought that is cause what other job could pay me enough to take care of myself and allow me so much freedom and flexibility? None, no other job I tell you. Ok maybe there are others but I can't think of any. Anyway, I guess I just feel very introverted today. I'm not certain why I feel like that, but I do. but I feel kinda lonely too. Like nobody understands. And I know I have people who love me, very much in fact, and I love them too, very much in fact. But you know how sometimes you just kinda feel lonely?

When I get this way, I get very critical of myself, and I know it. sometimes I can stop it, other times I wallow like a pink little piglet in the soothing yet dirty mucky mud. and then flop right in it, with my little pink snout just poking out of the mess. *sigh* But then I snap out of the soothing idea of being a piglet sitting in mud to realize that I CAN'T wallow in my own feelings cause I have to do the laundry, and plan the groceries, and buy the groceries, and cook the groceries, and prepare labs for people who don't want to do them and who don't deserve my time or my patience. And try to put together a program for a speaker who is coming next week, and write a proposal for a class that I may or may not teach next fall. When hopefully I'll be pregnant and then I will have a sweet bundle of joy who I will want to spend all my time with and I won't be able to because I got roped into starting a damn wildlife club on campus that I knew from the very outset would suckup more time. I need a makeover, cause I look in the mirror, and I don't hate myself, its not that, but augh. I look like a frump. This will not do! I am 30 years old? when will it come together? How can my two sisters who have have babies int he last 6 months be back to their svelt pre baby bodies and I am STILL heavier than they were PREGNANT!!!!

I can't be this way any more. I don't know what my problem is but I am in a serious funk. I am one of the luckiest people I know, but yet, sometimes, I feel disconnected from myself. Like I'm watching myself in a movie, and everything is moving in fast motion around me and I'm just standing there.

Just standing there. Alone.

And I know I'm not alone, but sometimes I feel it. Then I wonder if I'm just complaining.

Sometimes I want it to be all about me, but then I'm selfish. I've often heard that the second year of marriage is the harder one. It is.

I love him, very very much. He is my friend, he is sweet, he loves me and holds me, and accepts me in every way, under any circumstance.

but he won't put away the g**d*** laundry.

As Dr. Phil would say the division of labor is not split up evenly. but oh lordy thats a whole nother blog in and of itself.

This entry is about me, and only me, and about how I feel. I feel kinda alone, though I feel better now, after this entry. I feel overwhelmed.

There's just so much. and I don't want to put another straw on the pile. Not so much as a matchstick.

-the fox. 10-4 good buddy.